Seriously... Go Fuck Your Self Cancer

I want to start off by letting everyone know, that I found out my uncle has 6 months to live... I guess that's good. but it is still a sad deadline. Until today....

My old man knew I was working today, but still called me around 9pm. I knew something was up, so I called him back, his 'hello' on the phone reminded me of times when I threw parties at his house when he wasn't around and I knew, he knew I rocked out. But I knew I did nothing wrong for him to sound so somber..... until he told me.

My Aunt Pam has 4-6 weeks left to live.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Your really going to take two of my family members away from me (Joe is my mom's side Pam is my Dad's side)

Seriously, is writing about cancer my new life? My Uncle Joe, I feel horrible about, I truly do, He has two girls now at Baldwin Wallace studying arts. My Aunt has 3 kids, two grown, one in high school, that's what kills me... losing your mother so young...

I did something I haven't done since high school today.......... I prayed the rosemary, for Joe, for Pam.

A day ago, I was going to write about how I had a cancer scare, I felt a tumor on my last little guy... turned out to be nothing, but the doctor recommended I wear briefs so I wore them today, for the first time since I was 7. I'll admit I think I looked good in them, but they are so uncomfortable when you are working. But then again, I didn't have the feeling of a tumor in my groin.  But who cares, this is family.

I look at my Aunt and Uncle, and it scares me. They were cured at some time and then things didn't last. What if that is my faith? I was diagnosed at 26, my aunt 47, my uncle 63,... and now they are on their last. I'm not scared of death, but I'm not ready for it, am I cursed?!?

Whatever happens I will tell cancer to fuck it's self till I die, and for Joe and for Pam I will recite the following prayer for both of them.

Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses;
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not in temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen

I am praying for you. Keep fighting that good fight......!!

Ready to reconnect with the Lord.

I found out today that my uncle's throat cancer is incurable, and he is on his last weeks of life, I also found out today that a coworkers dad (she found out on her 21st birthday, and this is my Uncles 65th birthday) was diagnosed with Lymphoma today..................... Fuck cancer man.... why does it do this to good people?

My Uncle Joe, I will admit that I always thought he was a bum. Since high school I thought he never had his shit together, I never gave him a chance. He is an artist, a true musician, and I didn't understand those people. I look back at his life, and realize his genius for music never made me understand him. I thought he was a bum and I haven't given him a chance since my grandpa passed away. I knew this day would come, but damn.... I feel guilty.... more than ever. I blocked him out of my life, I was selfish.

The day my grandfather passed away I was dating a woman named Nicole, she and Pat and some of the Benedictine Monks came to pay their respects. I still remember that day, I was just legal to drive. Uncle Joe asked me for a ride to the funeral, and I told him to find his own ride.

I've thought about that since I said it, at the time I thought..... well maybe he can finally realize what he is doing. Like he isn't at his peak, maybe lazy, I thought he was a bum. But looking back now I realize he was being who he is, a genius musician who played for the Cleveland Orchestra.

On Jessica and Craig's wedding I remember him being normal, why....

Because Craig is a musician, and Joe talked in length about his life with music. I sat back and watched him describe every symphony in the world, and why Cleveland's was in the top 5. At that time I didn't realize who Joe is, but now I understand his mind.

My mother has done everything in her power to help Joe out, and I'm almost to tears thinking about it. I remember one time coming home to visit, and all mom could do was talk to creditors on behalf of Joe, because he understood one life, but not our life.

Joe, I'm sorry....... I wish it wasn't too late.

On a lighter side of things, I think I'm finally ready for confession. Which in my mind is the first step back to a life with the lord. Joe might have a part to play with it, but I truly believe I'm ready to try to connect with the lord again.

I know Father Gerard is out there reading this, and it is all too soon unfortunate visit to Cleveland coming up. I would truly appreciate him to honor my request while I am in town. I am ready to try again. I've prayed more in the past 3 months than I can ever understand. Julie keeps asking me to go to church with her, but I'm terrified of what I might feel.... more resentment, more distrust.... what will come out of my visit with the lord.

I look at what has happened with cancer and my family, my grandfather passed from it, one aunt is going through her second fight, and the other one is one her third, my uncle is on his way out..... what the hell am I in for? I'm 27, and already fought this bastard once.....

I have realized that good things don't come easy to me, and I believe that makes me stronger. I'm willing to fight for the best. But damn... if you ask me if I'm scared about this battle........ Yes I am.

Joe you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Stephen.

Follow your heart

Hello world, it's been awhile.

I'm sorry for my readers that I have left you in the dark lately, but life just hasn't left me time to write. If it has I've actually felt that there is something that should be left to doubt and for the first time, there is something I want left private.

Today is 7.18.2010, two years ago to this day that the best gift was given to me. The best thing I have ever asked for. Two years ago today I found myself... This is my 4th of July. But it's hard to celebrate, today is special to me, a promise of forever that I hope will last just as long.

Congress, what can I say about it. I meet with the powers of my State, and was able to give them a taste of blue collar life without insurance. I was adamant, and persistent and told my story they heard it.  I want to think I made a change, an insight into what is wrong with our system. But seeing generic thank you letters from my senators makes me think I was another asshole begging for help.

I pride myself on hard work and dedication, and in only a few instances speaking to Congress did I feel that my story gave a shit to our representatives. Those two people are Sue Myrick and Patrick McHenry. They could have just been appeasing me, but they listened. (And yes they are Republicans)

Sue, is a Breast Cancer survivor and she knew what I was going through. From diagnosis, recovery, and getting life back to normal, she sympathized, she understood what it is to take a year out of your life and push your heart back to reality. She provided me with the resources I needed to fast track a normal life, I hope that ten years from now I will look at our meeting, and then look at my life and thank her for the opportunity she has given me.

Patrick McHenry, this kid from Mooresville is 34, and I hope he goes for Kay Hagan's seat in the Senate. I truly do he will do so much.  I wish this guy was in Charlotte, I would volunteer for him. He has what it takes to be a true politician. I told my story to him, about the year of hell and how I'm just barely getting through, he embraced it. I was to the point of crying when I told him how scared I was of getting a blood test without insurance, because if it came back positive, well then you can consider me financially bankrupt. He understood my passion, my hurt, my scared inhibition.

But he enlightened me about the truths of our system, and how things are above our eyes. I won't call it corruption, but it is defined as greed. He showed me the importance of spending, and it made sense. An example of this is a six month fix for Medicade (remember SIX month fix) would cost tax payers a TEN year tax. For the first time I realized why Republicans do what they do. The short term fix will cost us in the end, and I realize that now.

The past year of my life I have related to the Democratic Party, mostly because of the programs that helped me through my health issues. But (and you know there is a but) you become attached to these programs, and next thing you realize you are looking for others to support you. I was in this situation, and I didn't realize the effect until I was cut off from Social programs. They can help people in need, but it's an easy trap to become comfortable with taking something you 'need' when in reality you just need motivation to get off your ass and apply yourself. Outside looking in, these social programs killed my motivation. A life lesson I learned the hard way.

I am now in a place of constant motivation, the depression is gone, as it will just bring me down. The belief that I will surface from this horrible time in my life better than before gets me excited. I meet with a good friend earlier this week who is also a survivor, and he told me.
   "You don't know it now, but this is the best thing that ever happened to you" I've honestly thought that  since remission, but I've never heard it from someone who was in my place, we see eye to eye, and I truly believe him. Those few words brought perspective to my new life mission.

Who knows what is next, but I am a man who follows his heart first and dammit I'm not going to stop that. Life has bumps in the road, but the strongest will always prevail.

I consider myself the strongest man I know.

Till next time.

I'M GOING TO CONGRESS!!!!

Lads,
It's about that time, Monday I leave and speak my mind to the most influential people in the free world, I've been down in the dumps for the past few weeks but I have to put that off because of something more important.

I'm 27, close to bankruptcy, and in the darkest time of my life. But I can't help but be excited about what is next for me.

I found out today that I can get my BSN for $10,400 AND if I sign a contract with CMC they will reimburse me 80% of my studies. Holy shit I found a viable answer.

Two days ago I was depressed as hell, I told my parents "all I need is one good thing to happen, and all things will come together" praying for it to happen.

well I have been in deep depression for awhile, things haven't worked out for me lately. I have no real job, my unemployment hasn't been around for 9 weeks, I have no insurance, my rock is having doubts, and I'm fighting to get into any nursing school. yesterday I found hope.

Fr. Gerard has been sending me messages of hope, and kept me praying.... you know it's tough to believe for me now-a-days. But he never gave up on me.

I prayed every day after reading his e-mail. Just asking for one thing to go my way....and it did.

It's a small thing, but the radio in my car has been broke for 3 weeks now, and I finally found out how to fix it. The second I figured things out I called my Mom, Dad, and Julie and for the first time in a damn long time.... felt an accomplishment. I had a smile on my face, I remembered how things were.

It's not an answer, but it is hope. I look at myself everyday in the mirror and know I'm better than what I'm doing.... 

What is next for me

HERE'S TO CONGRESS

COBRA - Sly Stallone

So I think it is about time to dig deep into the problem with health insurance. As I prepare for my trip to Congress at the end of the month I can't help but try to complicate things by bringing up the greedy scam that insurance can be. Let me explain.

I was cancelled from my COBRA insurance over 1 month ago, because of lack of payment. (For you that don't know how COBRA works, you must send a payment in by 'x' day or you are cancelled. I was always a month ahead of my COBRA for this reason alone.

On April 16th, I was cancelled from my insurance because they did not receive my payment. I freaked out, how could this happen. I looked at my checkbook and saw the carbon copy of a check written on March 29th for payment, and noticed it was cashed by my COBRA beneficiary (APT if you want to google them) after months of phone calls, I was finally able to talk to someone who said I had 60 days to appeal their decision, so I did what they requested and sent in an appeals request, and I received a letter that I expected, I was rejected.

I researched this topic further and talked with my doctors about the situation, they laughed when I told them what happened, their reaction sounded like they have been through this time and time again. They told me, that APT is trying to get out of a policy that is not affordable for them.

Ok I get it, health insurance is a business, but greed is another issue, this isn't car insurance.... this is my fucking health!!! Because of these greedy dirt bags I had to miss my follow up appointment to determine if I am still in remission. I did some more research on insurance, this shocked me.

Statically from the AMA (American Medical Association) If your COBRA policy pays out more than $25,000 a year, your beneficiary has an 40% chance that they will try to find a way to cancel your policy, they do this because they believe only 35% will file suit, and out of that 35% only 7.5% will actually go to trial and win a claim. This means they are playing the odds on the public to fight this travesty. It makes me sick to think of the people working in these companies who put money ahead of peoples well being.... absolutely sick.

This is why I will be going to Congress on the 29th, I am not certain of the real positive attributes that will come from health care reform, but the health insurance industry is in shambles. It needs reform! Why is it that our Health insurance is the least regulated form of insurance out there?!?

Example. My medical bills were close to $200,000.00 but the insurance companies paid out only around $40,000.00, I get it they have contracts with hospitals. But why should the less fortunate have to pay so much out of pocket, and the insurance company pays 25% of that, it's like buying a Rolls Royce for the price of an Audi...

To me it just doesn't make sense. It makes me sick and depressed to think that I am one of those people being fucked over by my insurers because I got sick.

Change needs to happen.

Stove top boys

Life is meaningful, it is precious, it can also become abolished.

Sitting here half drunk and home alone makes me miss the good life. The days when I had a regular 9-5 job, I knew my responsibilities I knew my duties. I knew where I belonged. I was content, but it was structure to life. I knew how to handle that.

Right now I have none of that.  I miss it.

How do I handle my life? Right now? I'm in a relationship where I bring nothing to the table financially and it makes me feel like crap, I'm trying to marry this woman but who in their right mind would marry my ass. Every day I grow fonder of her, and love how strong willed she is.

I have meet my soul mate.

I might be overemphasizing money but I was brought up that way.

Talking to a good friend today, we spoke in length about where I plan on going,... career wise. He told me I needed to develop the brand that I am.  Brand. What is it?

I look at my F U Cancer wristband right below my LIVESTRONG bracelet and can't help but wonder, is this my brand? Am I slated to become the Fuck You Cancer man? Damn my mind is running to hard right now.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but man it's a mind trip getting there. I went from a 100k a year person to well living off a few hundred bucks here and there.

Money isn't everything, but it sure does help. I'm running out of credit.

I still have a lot of talking to do to God, but damn if he was here he would sure make life a whole lot easier right about now.

In the darkest times a strong man prevails.

~ Sorry for the rant, but it's top of mind.

Only the good die young - Billy Joel

Salute.

Foggy

Next step in life and the curve balls that come with it.

Hello world,

It has been quite sometime since I last wrote to you, life has picked up so fast that I just couldn't find the time to sit down and write a legitimate blog, I'm sorry for that... I suck.

As of today, I am drug free (including pot), unemployed, with out benefits and no insurance. I lost my benefits when I registered for classes. Turns out taking 2 classes at a community college defaults my unemployment they can't determine the difference between a full time and part time student. After 5 weeks of appealing them, yesterday I finally spoke with someone and will hopefully be back on my social program in a few weeks.

Insurance, well shit. COBRA says they never received my check, so with out warning my insurance was cancelled. I had to postpone a 3 month checkup to make sure I am still cancer free because of this. I've been fighting the insurance company for weeks now, with little traction. Sometimes this makes it hard to sleep at night, all I can think about are the what if's. I'm playing Russian Roulette with my health right now and it's scary.

These two factors have made it impossible for me to go back to school full-time right now, and I have been actively pursuing full time employment (with benefits) I need money and I need health insurance. My goal of becoming a male nurse (ref. FOCKER) is going to take longer than expected because now I can only take night classes.

As for the job search, shit.... pathetic.... only opportunities out there i will be taking a step backwards. Today I had an interview with the Yellow Pages, and just wondered why the fuck am I doing this. I don't want to do that job. But I entertained it because they offer health benefits after 90 days (that is if I can last there 90 days w/o getting shitty)

Besides being a social/professional loser right now I have to say I am excited to head to Congress on the 28th. We're already working on media kits, business cards, and my speech. The group sponsoring my travels will be providing me with a "Coach" to review what I will be speaking about and what I should emphasize.

Good news I'm finally not working weekends, so I can see my friends again. Tomorrow we are going poolside.

Till next time folks