Mary....holla at me!

I sit here awake at almost 4am, vodka in my hand feeling like something needs to be said. Work today was amazing, I had my first $300.00 table which is huge in tips, tonight was a good night.

I think I'm ready to talk about another hard part during this whole cancer situation. I've debated posting this because it's sad to me, more so than the other posts. So here it goes.

The lord and I have a a lot to talk about. I have been asking him why did this happen to me since the day I was laid off @ Garland. I gave up on him, but yet said a prayer before each one of my surgeries. After that second surgery put me through so much pain, I gave up on him. Chemo was in the future.

As my Chemo treatment near, I decide to go to Cleveland for an impromptu visit to my finest religious years, Cleveland Benedictine High School. I found the priest I needed to talk with Fr. Gerard. We spoke at great lengths about what I had gone through and what's next.

I told him I came back to Benedictine for a blessing from you, which he gladly did.

Everything seemed to be at peace at that moment... he noticed my relaxed yet excited expressions. I had faith again.

Afterwards, I went to Slyman's Deli with my mom and had the best tasting lunch in months. I knew I still had faith, but the Lord and I got a lot of talkin' still to do.

I love WWII documentaries and disturbing druggie movies.

I can't help but notice how my leisure life has become a list.
*  WW2 in HD parts 1-10
* the battle rats of iwo jima parts 1-6
* SPUN * watched twice
* Permanent midnight  - I'm watching it for the 2nd time while writing this.
The War - ken burns - It's my second time watching this, and it still shocks me.

I have been obsessively watching these programs for the past two weeks and can't seem how to define, why can't I turn away when they turn on?


This time of watching man's despair makes me anxious towards my next step in life.

I'm in the happiest time of my life.

Salute'

Stephen

Tomorrow is a big day.

So tomorrow I get to reintroduce myself to the world of cancer treatments. As many times as I've visited the Messhole I don't think I can ever get comfortable being there.

Almost like a feeling of distrust or lost in a distant land.

Tomorrow I start my testing to see if I can say I'm officially in remission. Blood work and a C/T Scan are in my near future. I'm kind of scared for tomorrow to happen. I mean, it feels like forever ago since I last visited a doctor for cancer treatments. I try not to remember about that time as to this day it's still hard to deal with.

My regulars as Boudreaux who have been keeping up with my progress all know tomorrow I get my testing, and they all wish me well, a few of them I told that if you see me here next week things are all good, if not another round of chemo.

Fuck.

I don't want treatments anymore... life has progressed.

On a lighter note, I am also nervous because tomorrow I also get to pitch the For Your Cure idea to some nurses since we have become established and we are now legit enough to actually do some good. I wonder how they are going to react?

Has anyone ever watched Tosh.O on Comedy Channel? I just watched that funny ass show, and anyways he plugged this www. site called Chatroulette and I have to say it is the strangest thing I have ever seen. I'm getting so behind with internet knowledge now-a-days that seeing Chatroulette makes me feel like my mom trying to turn on a computer.

Deftones - Hole in the Earth.

WOW! I just can't say WOW enough.

So tonight.....

How do I describe it? Besides Hooked...........

Tonight was exactly what I envisioned our first event to be.

Emotions are pouring out of me tonight, drunk....on booze and this euphoric high.

You know tonight, I meet the first person to humble me.

I'm self induced at times, I recognize this... It's one of my many flaws.

But I meet a woman tonight, that truly made me feel blessed for my situation.

    I am just getting off the microphone after telling Rozak and everyone at Gin Mill a sub par chemo description and a thank you, I'm walking towards the bathroom area to meet a member of the Charlotte Artist Alliance and I think I hear someone say "Hi Steve"

I turn around and look, dumbfounded I think I know this woman, turns out I don't and I introduce myself.

I realize the woman on her left is wearing a satchel and looked nervous as shit.

All she says to me is, I can relate to you.

I look her in the eyes and see her pain........it sucked to see her like this. A stranger I've never meet before.

We talked for a few minuets, and I admittedly told her "you are the first patient I have ever talked to"

I've meet people before or after treatment, but never someone going through it...... It was a wake up call.

When she told me she came from Tennessee for this event I really felt blank inside.

How the fuck do I tell my story, and say it was horrible. When this woman just went what I went through..... but did it for 18 months!!

She humbled me.... but she also made me more adamant for this organization to some damn good in this world!

~ This post is much better than what I have drafted up.

Jamaica Mon!

All You Need Is Love ~ The Beatles

Finally Ready

I think I'm finally ready to talk about my second surgery. I have been hesitant to talk about this for some time now because, well, it was a low point for me and it was the toughest thing I have ever gone through.

Many of you know me, and know I can be a dumb ass at times. I've been arrested, I've landed in the ER, I've made an ass out of my self while drunk. All things I am not proud of but I was never ashamed to tell people what happened.

Chemo was an absolute motherfucker, I could feel it breaking down my body, I was in a state where I needed other to help me, something I feel ashamed about.  The drugs and support around me helped me write about my life during that time. My gratitude is endless for all your support.

My second surgery was called a lymph-node dissection surgery, where surgeons cut me open from the base of my chest plate to below my belly button, all to explore my insides to see if the cancer spread. I spent 6 days in the hospital and each day was another slow recuperation hell.

The first memory, I remember from the surgery was waking up crying in a recovery suite, I was crying for my parents, I needed them more than ever. I felt broken.

As soon as I saw them enter the suite, I'll never forget the looks on their face. I cried even harder, and my parents looked terrified for my well being. I thought the looks on their face was because of what I just went through, but turns out I was wrong.

5 days passed as I pumped my body full of morphine, by day three I had memorized how long I had to wait until I could press the red button for more drugs to release the constant burn of pain.

By the end of my stay I was able to walk, take a shower, shave, just do the day to day basics. My mom decided it was time to break the news to me of why she looked so sad earlier in the week.

She told me that the cancer had spread to my abdomen and they are not sure if they got it all. My initial reaction to this was to vent, I was so angry that it took my mom 5 days to tell me the news that I kicked her out of my room. By days end I apologized and realized she knew I couldn't handle that news in my weakened state.

The next morning I was released to go back into the 'real world' they put me in a wheel chair and started to drag me to the entrance. I get in the elevator with 6 or so people around me, all in good health, all able to walk out the hospital.

I just cried the whole trip down to the lobby.

I got into the passenger seat of my mom's Jetta, rolled down the window. The fresh air and Carolina blue skies were welcomed sights. As we were pulling out of CMC Main, I started to cry again. I realized this shit wasn't over. For the first time I almost lost hope, I wasn't sure if I could fight this fucking disease anymore.

Gil Scott Heron - Home is where the hatred is.

Karma and Insight

I showed up for work an hour early today so nothing to do but type. Over the past couple of days I have had things to write about, but felt hesitant to let the world know about my thoughts. Maybe the lack of chemo drugs have placed me in a passive mental state.

I found out today that I start going back to doctors next week, I start getting tested again and we will see if I can confirm I am in remission. It's an excited feeling, I've felt passively optimistic for the past 2 months and hopefully after next week I will just feel optimistic.

Julie and I are heading to Jamaica on Thursday, and it's going to be a welcomed trip and a first one of just 'us' since before I was diagnosed with this shitty disease. I hope to come back like Michael Scott with a Conga Drum, and some provocative pictures.

People have been actively sending me links to possible job openings since my post a week ago, I've had offers to get back into media, handling digital assets, music production, and sales. But I think I'm going to research a new direction.

My mom has been a nurse all of my life, and I mentioned to her I was thinking of going back to school to work in the medical field. She insisted I take a look into the nursing field.

I'm a mama's boy, always have been always will be. I take her opinions and thoughts on life serious, and I look at her life now, she seems absolutely happy with the way her life is. 

My dad is also behind me with researching a career in the medical field. 

Damn, I wish I would have written down my thoughts I had so much to say.

Is January the month for friends to get engaged? It's sure starting to look that way. Congratulations to everyone of you.

My hair is coming back, my head looks like a kiwi fruit now. At least it's now starting to keep the cold away from my head.

Back to work for me.

Sia - Breath Me

Unknown Phone #'s

I hate when I get a call from an unknown # and they don't leave a message, it was important enough to call me but not important enough to let me know who it is when I don't pick up? I don't get it and I think this is Time Warner trying to get me to switch back to cable, after throwing a satellite on my house.

I do not pick up numbers that I don't know, I'm not in sales anymore I don't want to be disturbed by "special offers" on the other hand it might be creditors.

I tried to buy my car out last week, and turns out the bills from my insurance are still on my credit report, so my debt to income ratio is pathetic. My mom will be co-signing for me next week. Pathetic I'm 27, and I still need her help. I know it's not my fault, but it's still shitty.

The Patient Advocate Foundation (paf.org) determined that some puts at the hospitals billing office has placed the wrong codes on my bills and in turn, they are not getting paid by BC/BS. Another headache to handle with getting sick.

It's Friday, and I'm ready for the weekend. Even though I'm working most of the weekend, I do not mind. I get the opportunity to be social and make some money. Next Thursday I leave for Jamaica, just Julie and I our first real vacation, just the two of us since before I was diagnosed.

One more step in the right direction of normalcy.