Karma and Insight

I showed up for work an hour early today so nothing to do but type. Over the past couple of days I have had things to write about, but felt hesitant to let the world know about my thoughts. Maybe the lack of chemo drugs have placed me in a passive mental state.

I found out today that I start going back to doctors next week, I start getting tested again and we will see if I can confirm I am in remission. It's an excited feeling, I've felt passively optimistic for the past 2 months and hopefully after next week I will just feel optimistic.

Julie and I are heading to Jamaica on Thursday, and it's going to be a welcomed trip and a first one of just 'us' since before I was diagnosed with this shitty disease. I hope to come back like Michael Scott with a Conga Drum, and some provocative pictures.

People have been actively sending me links to possible job openings since my post a week ago, I've had offers to get back into media, handling digital assets, music production, and sales. But I think I'm going to research a new direction.

My mom has been a nurse all of my life, and I mentioned to her I was thinking of going back to school to work in the medical field. She insisted I take a look into the nursing field.

I'm a mama's boy, always have been always will be. I take her opinions and thoughts on life serious, and I look at her life now, she seems absolutely happy with the way her life is. 

My dad is also behind me with researching a career in the medical field. 

Damn, I wish I would have written down my thoughts I had so much to say.

Is January the month for friends to get engaged? It's sure starting to look that way. Congratulations to everyone of you.

My hair is coming back, my head looks like a kiwi fruit now. At least it's now starting to keep the cold away from my head.

Back to work for me.

Sia - Breath Me

Unknown Phone #'s

I hate when I get a call from an unknown # and they don't leave a message, it was important enough to call me but not important enough to let me know who it is when I don't pick up? I don't get it and I think this is Time Warner trying to get me to switch back to cable, after throwing a satellite on my house.

I do not pick up numbers that I don't know, I'm not in sales anymore I don't want to be disturbed by "special offers" on the other hand it might be creditors.

I tried to buy my car out last week, and turns out the bills from my insurance are still on my credit report, so my debt to income ratio is pathetic. My mom will be co-signing for me next week. Pathetic I'm 27, and I still need her help. I know it's not my fault, but it's still shitty.

The Patient Advocate Foundation (paf.org) determined that some puts at the hospitals billing office has placed the wrong codes on my bills and in turn, they are not getting paid by BC/BS. Another headache to handle with getting sick.

It's Friday, and I'm ready for the weekend. Even though I'm working most of the weekend, I do not mind. I get the opportunity to be social and make some money. Next Thursday I leave for Jamaica, just Julie and I our first real vacation, just the two of us since before I was diagnosed.

One more step in the right direction of normalcy.

A moment of feeling out of place

Yesterday, Julie and I had people over to watch the games, cook and just catch up with old friends. The first time in a very long time. Little pieces of life are starting to come back together, but a part of me is having trouble adapting to normalcy again. I tried to entertain the best way I knew how with, food, booze, football and some dirty jokes.

But I sit here awake, too early on a day where all I wanted to do was lay in bed and catch up on my DVR. Analyzing or over-analyzing my interactions yesterday, I don't know, I loved being boisterous around friends, because well they are friends and that's what I do. But a part of me feels like I have a second chance at a fresh start, and I wonder if I want to take a more laid back attitude to life?

I'm just feeling out of place this morning, like something is wrong or missing and almost guilty, but I can't pin point why I feel this way.

I'm over-analyzing, I know it.

Trying to find my new calling is a tough up-hill battle, I want to, and feel obligated to have my new career be in a field that can help others. The non-profit is wonderful and exciting, but it's not paying the bills and every day I feel more compelled to research jobs in the medical field.

I'm not the brightest man out there, so medical school is out of the question, but nursing? Maybe medical technician? Shit I just don't know.

This point in my life, I just feel a calling to help others.

Suggestions?

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

I felt like my previous entry should have been my last, a good warm hearted way to wrap up a story.

I've recently become social again, and have heard how people have reacted to my blog I've decided to start things back up again. My mind and body are in complete different places than when I was going through treatment, but I feel obligated to continue.

My motivation stems from a dear friend of mine, I searched out her blog a few nights back and realized she used my story to motivate her to write, I believe a 15,000 word challenge. Plus I feel this adventure isn't at completion yet.

Sitting in bed @ 3:54am, I knew I couldn't sleep tonight. Too much shit running around in this big ole' brain of mine. Things like my treatments/surgeries, the now permeant heroin vein in my left forearm, the scars of battle, my insides were the soldiers fighting and my body was it's now scared battlefield.

It just made me think of things, I'm 27, settling down dramatically and life has been changing since 2008. Friends aren't growing distant, just we get together lesser and do things more (late 20's like) This brings me to For Your Cure.

I know why I get excited for our board meetings, because I get to see many of my best friends all in the same place @ the same time. Granted we're not @ Gin Mill (most of the time) and not lip singing Weezer or 80's songs. But we're getting something done, for the good.

I used that quote from Fight Club "Only after disaster can we be resurrected" because it was something that stuck with me during one of my darkest days fighting this fight, and I think many readers understood that quote to be the closest form how I was during that moment in life.

I truly thank everyone for all of the support, still to this day it is recognized everywhere.

I hope this blog can kick off a rejuvenation of some sorts to Fuck You Cancer, I still have tons of things running through my head that I didn't get out earlier. My mind has been off all drugs for nearly 2 months now, and it's starting to get clear again. Julie tells me stories of things I did, or said that I have no or very little recognition of them, and some of them are quite funny.

Till next time folks'