Dynasty

It has been months since I wrote, I felt the story has ended. Looking back at this blog, and everything in it....damn it brings me back to a hell storm, I want to think there is more to this story than that.

I'm days away from my first child being brought into this world....I'm completely excited. I can't believe that just a few short years ago it was a crap shoot if I could ever has kids. Well less than 6 months after chemo.... the unthinkable happened, and now I can't wait to be my child's best influence.

What a roller coaster ride cancer is, I still say Fuck You Cancer.... but now it's more of looking at the glass half full. This thing has made me revaluate life... I've been employed for a wonderful company for 6 months now, and I couldn't had asked for a better situation to re-acclimate to starting over.

Starting over is a tough phrase to swallow, but sometime a cliche 'fresh start' is what a man needs to grow. The chemo drug induced writings made me think like I never thought I could. I felt like a unbiased visitor in my life detailing my journey. For the quality of this blog I wish I still had that ability, but for the betterment of life I'm thankful to have that part of my life well documented, as still it's hard to read about some of those jittery sweat induced all-nighters.

I'm hoping once our miracle baby is born to jump start FYC and continue to pay forward the thoughtfulness that my influences provided me with.

At this point life is great, and I'm thrilled to become a loving father.

Till next time folks...

Insanity is doing the exact thing over with no new results.

I've gone through a realization that the many ways that I am doing things needs to be reevaluated and redefined. This focus is on employment. An article in the WSJ this week focused on HR people and how they automatically screen for people who have been out of employment for over a year (some keep that window open to 18 months) Automatically they are just put to the side. I fit in those groups, and have to develop a plan to get around this fact.

The anxiousness of waiting to hear back from my previous interview kept me up most of this weekend, just thinking and praying that I could hear something sooner, rather than later. This made me get on my computer and start looking for more job opportunities if I see anything on CareerBuilder.com that can remotely be a fit, I look it over and submit a resume and coverletter, and if they are local I'm always following up with a face-to-face resume drop off.

As far as I know,,,,this has done noting.

I'm out of black printer ink.....and tomorrow starts a new week of the job search. This time I need to find new ways to approach prospective employers.

Cheers

Turning the Corner

Hello world,

It has been quite a journey since I last divulged my thoughts to you all, and many things have happened. The past month has been a journey to say goodbye to loved ones, and it has been a reflection of how important family should be. My Aunt passed hours after my last post, my Nona (Great-grandma) passed away two Friday's ago, and my Uncle passed away the very next day. Needless to say it has been a busy month of paying my respects.

I have an interview tomorrow with a local media outlet, and I'm filled with excitement for the opportunity so I have been preparing extensively the past few days to make sure I get that offer sheet tomorrow. During this time of preparing I dug through an old box of stuff I kept from my CBS Radio days hoping to find a presentation or anything that might help give me a lift above the competition. While looking through that box I came across some pictures Julie took during my time in Chemo, and they were just inspirational looking back to what I was to where I am now was a proverbial wake up call to what I have accomplished. But one more thing needs to be... a real job.

I'm nervous for tomorrow because it's a glimpse into finally resurrecting a normal life. I'm anxious to have the opportunity to come home at 6 and spend the nights with Julie, I'm excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my friends. Most importantly I'm thrilled for the opportunity to work in a real work environment. I've done this job before I know I can do it again, but with this new outlook on life I believe I will be better than before, I truly do.

"You don't know what you got until it is gone" I have an opportunity to get that back, and I won't let it slip through my fingers.

COBRA - Sly Stallone

So I think it is about time to dig deep into the problem with health insurance. As I prepare for my trip to Congress at the end of the month I can't help but try to complicate things by bringing up the greedy scam that insurance can be. Let me explain.

I was cancelled from my COBRA insurance over 1 month ago, because of lack of payment. (For you that don't know how COBRA works, you must send a payment in by 'x' day or you are cancelled. I was always a month ahead of my COBRA for this reason alone.

On April 16th, I was cancelled from my insurance because they did not receive my payment. I freaked out, how could this happen. I looked at my checkbook and saw the carbon copy of a check written on March 29th for payment, and noticed it was cashed by my COBRA beneficiary (APT if you want to google them) after months of phone calls, I was finally able to talk to someone who said I had 60 days to appeal their decision, so I did what they requested and sent in an appeals request, and I received a letter that I expected, I was rejected.

I researched this topic further and talked with my doctors about the situation, they laughed when I told them what happened, their reaction sounded like they have been through this time and time again. They told me, that APT is trying to get out of a policy that is not affordable for them.

Ok I get it, health insurance is a business, but greed is another issue, this isn't car insurance.... this is my fucking health!!! Because of these greedy dirt bags I had to miss my follow up appointment to determine if I am still in remission. I did some more research on insurance, this shocked me.

Statically from the AMA (American Medical Association) If your COBRA policy pays out more than $25,000 a year, your beneficiary has an 40% chance that they will try to find a way to cancel your policy, they do this because they believe only 35% will file suit, and out of that 35% only 7.5% will actually go to trial and win a claim. This means they are playing the odds on the public to fight this travesty. It makes me sick to think of the people working in these companies who put money ahead of peoples well being.... absolutely sick.

This is why I will be going to Congress on the 29th, I am not certain of the real positive attributes that will come from health care reform, but the health insurance industry is in shambles. It needs reform! Why is it that our Health insurance is the least regulated form of insurance out there?!?

Example. My medical bills were close to $200,000.00 but the insurance companies paid out only around $40,000.00, I get it they have contracts with hospitals. But why should the less fortunate have to pay so much out of pocket, and the insurance company pays 25% of that, it's like buying a Rolls Royce for the price of an Audi...

To me it just doesn't make sense. It makes me sick and depressed to think that I am one of those people being fucked over by my insurers because I got sick.

Change needs to happen.

Stove top boys

Life is meaningful, it is precious, it can also become abolished.

Sitting here half drunk and home alone makes me miss the good life. The days when I had a regular 9-5 job, I knew my responsibilities I knew my duties. I knew where I belonged. I was content, but it was structure to life. I knew how to handle that.

Right now I have none of that.  I miss it.

How do I handle my life? Right now? I'm in a relationship where I bring nothing to the table financially and it makes me feel like crap, I'm trying to marry this woman but who in their right mind would marry my ass. Every day I grow fonder of her, and love how strong willed she is.

I have meet my soul mate.

I might be overemphasizing money but I was brought up that way.

Talking to a good friend today, we spoke in length about where I plan on going,... career wise. He told me I needed to develop the brand that I am.  Brand. What is it?

I look at my F U Cancer wristband right below my LIVESTRONG bracelet and can't help but wonder, is this my brand? Am I slated to become the Fuck You Cancer man? Damn my mind is running to hard right now.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but man it's a mind trip getting there. I went from a 100k a year person to well living off a few hundred bucks here and there.

Money isn't everything, but it sure does help. I'm running out of credit.

I still have a lot of talking to do to God, but damn if he was here he would sure make life a whole lot easier right about now.

In the darkest times a strong man prevails.

~ Sorry for the rant, but it's top of mind.

Only the good die young - Billy Joel

Salute.

Foggy

Next step in life and the curve balls that come with it.

Hello world,

It has been quite sometime since I last wrote to you, life has picked up so fast that I just couldn't find the time to sit down and write a legitimate blog, I'm sorry for that... I suck.

As of today, I am drug free (including pot), unemployed, with out benefits and no insurance. I lost my benefits when I registered for classes. Turns out taking 2 classes at a community college defaults my unemployment they can't determine the difference between a full time and part time student. After 5 weeks of appealing them, yesterday I finally spoke with someone and will hopefully be back on my social program in a few weeks.

Insurance, well shit. COBRA says they never received my check, so with out warning my insurance was cancelled. I had to postpone a 3 month checkup to make sure I am still cancer free because of this. I've been fighting the insurance company for weeks now, with little traction. Sometimes this makes it hard to sleep at night, all I can think about are the what if's. I'm playing Russian Roulette with my health right now and it's scary.

These two factors have made it impossible for me to go back to school full-time right now, and I have been actively pursuing full time employment (with benefits) I need money and I need health insurance. My goal of becoming a male nurse (ref. FOCKER) is going to take longer than expected because now I can only take night classes.

As for the job search, shit.... pathetic.... only opportunities out there i will be taking a step backwards. Today I had an interview with the Yellow Pages, and just wondered why the fuck am I doing this. I don't want to do that job. But I entertained it because they offer health benefits after 90 days (that is if I can last there 90 days w/o getting shitty)

Besides being a social/professional loser right now I have to say I am excited to head to Congress on the 28th. We're already working on media kits, business cards, and my speech. The group sponsoring my travels will be providing me with a "Coach" to review what I will be speaking about and what I should emphasize.

Good news I'm finally not working weekends, so I can see my friends again. Tomorrow we are going poolside.

Till next time folks

Mary....holla at me!

I sit here awake at almost 4am, vodka in my hand feeling like something needs to be said. Work today was amazing, I had my first $300.00 table which is huge in tips, tonight was a good night.

I think I'm ready to talk about another hard part during this whole cancer situation. I've debated posting this because it's sad to me, more so than the other posts. So here it goes.

The lord and I have a a lot to talk about. I have been asking him why did this happen to me since the day I was laid off @ Garland. I gave up on him, but yet said a prayer before each one of my surgeries. After that second surgery put me through so much pain, I gave up on him. Chemo was in the future.

As my Chemo treatment near, I decide to go to Cleveland for an impromptu visit to my finest religious years, Cleveland Benedictine High School. I found the priest I needed to talk with Fr. Gerard. We spoke at great lengths about what I had gone through and what's next.

I told him I came back to Benedictine for a blessing from you, which he gladly did.

Everything seemed to be at peace at that moment... he noticed my relaxed yet excited expressions. I had faith again.

Afterwards, I went to Slyman's Deli with my mom and had the best tasting lunch in months. I knew I still had faith, but the Lord and I got a lot of talkin' still to do.

Finally Ready

I think I'm finally ready to talk about my second surgery. I have been hesitant to talk about this for some time now because, well, it was a low point for me and it was the toughest thing I have ever gone through.

Many of you know me, and know I can be a dumb ass at times. I've been arrested, I've landed in the ER, I've made an ass out of my self while drunk. All things I am not proud of but I was never ashamed to tell people what happened.

Chemo was an absolute motherfucker, I could feel it breaking down my body, I was in a state where I needed other to help me, something I feel ashamed about.  The drugs and support around me helped me write about my life during that time. My gratitude is endless for all your support.

My second surgery was called a lymph-node dissection surgery, where surgeons cut me open from the base of my chest plate to below my belly button, all to explore my insides to see if the cancer spread. I spent 6 days in the hospital and each day was another slow recuperation hell.

The first memory, I remember from the surgery was waking up crying in a recovery suite, I was crying for my parents, I needed them more than ever. I felt broken.

As soon as I saw them enter the suite, I'll never forget the looks on their face. I cried even harder, and my parents looked terrified for my well being. I thought the looks on their face was because of what I just went through, but turns out I was wrong.

5 days passed as I pumped my body full of morphine, by day three I had memorized how long I had to wait until I could press the red button for more drugs to release the constant burn of pain.

By the end of my stay I was able to walk, take a shower, shave, just do the day to day basics. My mom decided it was time to break the news to me of why she looked so sad earlier in the week.

She told me that the cancer had spread to my abdomen and they are not sure if they got it all. My initial reaction to this was to vent, I was so angry that it took my mom 5 days to tell me the news that I kicked her out of my room. By days end I apologized and realized she knew I couldn't handle that news in my weakened state.

The next morning I was released to go back into the 'real world' they put me in a wheel chair and started to drag me to the entrance. I get in the elevator with 6 or so people around me, all in good health, all able to walk out the hospital.

I just cried the whole trip down to the lobby.

I got into the passenger seat of my mom's Jetta, rolled down the window. The fresh air and Carolina blue skies were welcomed sights. As we were pulling out of CMC Main, I started to cry again. I realized this shit wasn't over. For the first time I almost lost hope, I wasn't sure if I could fight this fucking disease anymore.

Gil Scott Heron - Home is where the hatred is.

Unknown Phone #'s

I hate when I get a call from an unknown # and they don't leave a message, it was important enough to call me but not important enough to let me know who it is when I don't pick up? I don't get it and I think this is Time Warner trying to get me to switch back to cable, after throwing a satellite on my house.

I do not pick up numbers that I don't know, I'm not in sales anymore I don't want to be disturbed by "special offers" on the other hand it might be creditors.

I tried to buy my car out last week, and turns out the bills from my insurance are still on my credit report, so my debt to income ratio is pathetic. My mom will be co-signing for me next week. Pathetic I'm 27, and I still need her help. I know it's not my fault, but it's still shitty.

The Patient Advocate Foundation (paf.org) determined that some puts at the hospitals billing office has placed the wrong codes on my bills and in turn, they are not getting paid by BC/BS. Another headache to handle with getting sick.

It's Friday, and I'm ready for the weekend. Even though I'm working most of the weekend, I do not mind. I get the opportunity to be social and make some money. Next Thursday I leave for Jamaica, just Julie and I our first real vacation, just the two of us since before I was diagnosed.

One more step in the right direction of normalcy.

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

I felt like my previous entry should have been my last, a good warm hearted way to wrap up a story.

I've recently become social again, and have heard how people have reacted to my blog I've decided to start things back up again. My mind and body are in complete different places than when I was going through treatment, but I feel obligated to continue.

My motivation stems from a dear friend of mine, I searched out her blog a few nights back and realized she used my story to motivate her to write, I believe a 15,000 word challenge. Plus I feel this adventure isn't at completion yet.

Sitting in bed @ 3:54am, I knew I couldn't sleep tonight. Too much shit running around in this big ole' brain of mine. Things like my treatments/surgeries, the now permeant heroin vein in my left forearm, the scars of battle, my insides were the soldiers fighting and my body was it's now scared battlefield.

It just made me think of things, I'm 27, settling down dramatically and life has been changing since 2008. Friends aren't growing distant, just we get together lesser and do things more (late 20's like) This brings me to For Your Cure.

I know why I get excited for our board meetings, because I get to see many of my best friends all in the same place @ the same time. Granted we're not @ Gin Mill (most of the time) and not lip singing Weezer or 80's songs. But we're getting something done, for the good.

I used that quote from Fight Club "Only after disaster can we be resurrected" because it was something that stuck with me during one of my darkest days fighting this fight, and I think many readers understood that quote to be the closest form how I was during that moment in life.

I truly thank everyone for all of the support, still to this day it is recognized everywhere.

I hope this blog can kick off a rejuvenation of some sorts to Fuck You Cancer, I still have tons of things running through my head that I didn't get out earlier. My mind has been off all drugs for nearly 2 months now, and it's starting to get clear again. Julie tells me stories of things I did, or said that I have no or very little recognition of them, and some of them are quite funny.

Till next time folks'

A small victory

Today, just feels like a winning day. No hospital rooms, no injections, no masks.

Just me, alone on a cold rainy day at peace with everything around me...if only for a few hours it's a great feeling, a victory.

Nothing says peaceful rainy day than making homemade chicken soup, a good classic rock station playing Dazed & Confused, and a medicated head, all while your body is slowly healing.

I'm still short of breath shaky and lethargic, but no new abnormal reactions today. It's time to savor this victory.

It's a good day........ Go Cavs!

A White Shade of Pale - Procol Harum

Gettin' Sick To Feel Better.

Gettin’ Sick to Feel Better.

Last night Julie and I hugged it out in the kitchen for a minuet, and all I could think about is how weird of a situation this is that we are in, every day I feel a bit less energetic, more worry of hair loss, and now from the Roids, I have a white film covering my throat called Thrust.

I laid my head on her shoulder and simply said “I’m getting’ sicker just to get healthy” isn’t that fucked up?

We made a kick ass meal, homemade everything, butternut squash soup, a potatoe/brussel sprout medely, and some lemon chicken. I was able to taste every bite.

I’m starting to get a persistent cough, and last night I had bouts with nausea. The hardest part was falling asleep, I was fighting the urge to take another Lorazapan, but I fell asleep before my greedy little hands could put more drugs in my system.

After last night, I am an advocate for the healing remedies of medical marijuana, it made it able to somewhat taste foods, and it reduced my nausea quite well, my overall ora just went in a different direction.

That's it for now, I would like to thank everyone for the positive e-mail's, comments, prayers, that I have received. I listening, and they are great motivational factors for me. If I know you or don't, Thank You for all of your support.

Signing out.

REACH Charlotte

So I don't know how this entry is going to go.... Today, so many different emotions came to the front and right now my mental exhaustion is making my hands shake like Lou Gehrig.

First chore of the day is head to REACH Charlotte and put some baby batter on ice, woke up tired and cranky, driving to the place I heard a commercial played on my old station for them. I loved their slogan "Guarantee within 6 tries you'll bring a baby home, or your money back" this sounds more like the new General Motors car challenge, than a welcoming place to keep the Fogg legacy on hold.

At the clinic I felt like a John working with a hooker. Very formal, a large monetary sum is exchanged and then I 'enjoy' some girl on girl smut, in the comforts of a very dreary room. Afterwards you leave your room with a sense of being busted for prostitution and the lady who did your processing...err paper work, gives you a I know what you did type of look.

One doctor down, one more to go to, this time, back to the messhole. I am sat down in a room with a Nurse Practitioner to describe what to expect. Shit they don't leave anything to the imagination, after an hour of hearing I'm going to lose my hair, food will taste like a penny, kidneys might fail, blah blah blah the most depressing part of the entire apt. was them saying I can't get my tattoo today.

The plan was to get a tattoo on my forearm, however after the messhole doctors said the skin might blister and become infected due to the ink, I took their advice and passed on the tattoo......on my arm.

I did get one on my left ankle, hurt like hell and it felt like every single needle point was hitting bone. But it was well worth it, an Egyptian symbol for hope that I altered the color of the full moon to support the fight against testicular cancer.

Well, shit that's it for now. Tomorrow they are doing a brain scan just to verify this awesome disease didn't spread to my think tank. Cleveland, I'll see you in two days.

Till next time.

Fuck You Cancer

Welcome, Bienvenue, Valkommen, Willkumme, Hola,

Fuck You Cancer, is all about that.. telling cancer to go fuck off. This is going to be a mental trip, vulgar, frustrating, informative, motivational, and maybe at times obscene. It's been hard to keep everyone in the loop and I'm learning each day that more and more people want to follow my progress, so I'm giving this a chance.

I'm done with my surgeries already, but I might go back on them a bit. Chemo starts in 10 days, and I will be in a miserable messhole of a waiting room to get my treatment. I want to start there. This should be interesting.