Ready to reconnect with the Lord.

I found out today that my uncle's throat cancer is incurable, and he is on his last weeks of life, I also found out today that a coworkers dad (she found out on her 21st birthday, and this is my Uncles 65th birthday) was diagnosed with Lymphoma today..................... Fuck cancer man.... why does it do this to good people?

My Uncle Joe, I will admit that I always thought he was a bum. Since high school I thought he never had his shit together, I never gave him a chance. He is an artist, a true musician, and I didn't understand those people. I look back at his life, and realize his genius for music never made me understand him. I thought he was a bum and I haven't given him a chance since my grandpa passed away. I knew this day would come, but damn.... I feel guilty.... more than ever. I blocked him out of my life, I was selfish.

The day my grandfather passed away I was dating a woman named Nicole, she and Pat and some of the Benedictine Monks came to pay their respects. I still remember that day, I was just legal to drive. Uncle Joe asked me for a ride to the funeral, and I told him to find his own ride.

I've thought about that since I said it, at the time I thought..... well maybe he can finally realize what he is doing. Like he isn't at his peak, maybe lazy, I thought he was a bum. But looking back now I realize he was being who he is, a genius musician who played for the Cleveland Orchestra.

On Jessica and Craig's wedding I remember him being normal, why....

Because Craig is a musician, and Joe talked in length about his life with music. I sat back and watched him describe every symphony in the world, and why Cleveland's was in the top 5. At that time I didn't realize who Joe is, but now I understand his mind.

My mother has done everything in her power to help Joe out, and I'm almost to tears thinking about it. I remember one time coming home to visit, and all mom could do was talk to creditors on behalf of Joe, because he understood one life, but not our life.

Joe, I'm sorry....... I wish it wasn't too late.

On a lighter side of things, I think I'm finally ready for confession. Which in my mind is the first step back to a life with the lord. Joe might have a part to play with it, but I truly believe I'm ready to try to connect with the lord again.

I know Father Gerard is out there reading this, and it is all too soon unfortunate visit to Cleveland coming up. I would truly appreciate him to honor my request while I am in town. I am ready to try again. I've prayed more in the past 3 months than I can ever understand. Julie keeps asking me to go to church with her, but I'm terrified of what I might feel.... more resentment, more distrust.... what will come out of my visit with the lord.

I look at what has happened with cancer and my family, my grandfather passed from it, one aunt is going through her second fight, and the other one is one her third, my uncle is on his way out..... what the hell am I in for? I'm 27, and already fought this bastard once.....

I have realized that good things don't come easy to me, and I believe that makes me stronger. I'm willing to fight for the best. But damn... if you ask me if I'm scared about this battle........ Yes I am.

Joe you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Stephen.

Follow your heart

Hello world, it's been awhile.

I'm sorry for my readers that I have left you in the dark lately, but life just hasn't left me time to write. If it has I've actually felt that there is something that should be left to doubt and for the first time, there is something I want left private.

Today is 7.18.2010, two years ago to this day that the best gift was given to me. The best thing I have ever asked for. Two years ago today I found myself... This is my 4th of July. But it's hard to celebrate, today is special to me, a promise of forever that I hope will last just as long.

Congress, what can I say about it. I meet with the powers of my State, and was able to give them a taste of blue collar life without insurance. I was adamant, and persistent and told my story they heard it.  I want to think I made a change, an insight into what is wrong with our system. But seeing generic thank you letters from my senators makes me think I was another asshole begging for help.

I pride myself on hard work and dedication, and in only a few instances speaking to Congress did I feel that my story gave a shit to our representatives. Those two people are Sue Myrick and Patrick McHenry. They could have just been appeasing me, but they listened. (And yes they are Republicans)

Sue, is a Breast Cancer survivor and she knew what I was going through. From diagnosis, recovery, and getting life back to normal, she sympathized, she understood what it is to take a year out of your life and push your heart back to reality. She provided me with the resources I needed to fast track a normal life, I hope that ten years from now I will look at our meeting, and then look at my life and thank her for the opportunity she has given me.

Patrick McHenry, this kid from Mooresville is 34, and I hope he goes for Kay Hagan's seat in the Senate. I truly do he will do so much.  I wish this guy was in Charlotte, I would volunteer for him. He has what it takes to be a true politician. I told my story to him, about the year of hell and how I'm just barely getting through, he embraced it. I was to the point of crying when I told him how scared I was of getting a blood test without insurance, because if it came back positive, well then you can consider me financially bankrupt. He understood my passion, my hurt, my scared inhibition.

But he enlightened me about the truths of our system, and how things are above our eyes. I won't call it corruption, but it is defined as greed. He showed me the importance of spending, and it made sense. An example of this is a six month fix for Medicade (remember SIX month fix) would cost tax payers a TEN year tax. For the first time I realized why Republicans do what they do. The short term fix will cost us in the end, and I realize that now.

The past year of my life I have related to the Democratic Party, mostly because of the programs that helped me through my health issues. But (and you know there is a but) you become attached to these programs, and next thing you realize you are looking for others to support you. I was in this situation, and I didn't realize the effect until I was cut off from Social programs. They can help people in need, but it's an easy trap to become comfortable with taking something you 'need' when in reality you just need motivation to get off your ass and apply yourself. Outside looking in, these social programs killed my motivation. A life lesson I learned the hard way.

I am now in a place of constant motivation, the depression is gone, as it will just bring me down. The belief that I will surface from this horrible time in my life better than before gets me excited. I meet with a good friend earlier this week who is also a survivor, and he told me.
   "You don't know it now, but this is the best thing that ever happened to you" I've honestly thought that  since remission, but I've never heard it from someone who was in my place, we see eye to eye, and I truly believe him. Those few words brought perspective to my new life mission.

Who knows what is next, but I am a man who follows his heart first and dammit I'm not going to stop that. Life has bumps in the road, but the strongest will always prevail.

I consider myself the strongest man I know.

Till next time.