My Uncle Joe, I will admit that I always thought he was a bum. Since high school I thought he never had his shit together, I never gave him a chance. He is an artist, a true musician, and I didn't understand those people. I look back at his life, and realize his genius for music never made me understand him. I thought he was a bum and I haven't given him a chance since my grandpa passed away. I knew this day would come, but damn.... I feel guilty.... more than ever. I blocked him out of my life, I was selfish.
The day my grandfather passed away I was dating a woman named Nicole, she and Pat and some of the Benedictine Monks came to pay their respects. I still remember that day, I was just legal to drive. Uncle Joe asked me for a ride to the funeral, and I told him to find his own ride.
I've thought about that since I said it, at the time I thought..... well maybe he can finally realize what he is doing. Like he isn't at his peak, maybe lazy, I thought he was a bum. But looking back now I realize he was being who he is, a genius musician who played for the Cleveland Orchestra.
On Jessica and Craig's wedding I remember him being normal, why....
Because Craig is a musician, and Joe talked in length about his life with music. I sat back and watched him describe every symphony in the world, and why Cleveland's was in the top 5. At that time I didn't realize who Joe is, but now I understand his mind.
My mother has done everything in her power to help Joe out, and I'm almost to tears thinking about it. I remember one time coming home to visit, and all mom could do was talk to creditors on behalf of Joe, because he understood one life, but not our life.
Joe, I'm sorry....... I wish it wasn't too late.
On a lighter side of things, I think I'm finally ready for confession. Which in my mind is the first step back to a life with the lord. Joe might have a part to play with it, but I truly believe I'm ready to try to connect with the lord again.
I know Father Gerard is out there reading this, and it is all too soon unfortunate visit to Cleveland coming up. I would truly appreciate him to honor my request while I am in town. I am ready to try again. I've prayed more in the past 3 months than I can ever understand. Julie keeps asking me to go to church with her, but I'm terrified of what I might feel.... more resentment, more distrust.... what will come out of my visit with the lord.
I look at what has happened with cancer and my family, my grandfather passed from it, one aunt is going through her second fight, and the other one is one her third, my uncle is on his way out..... what the hell am I in for? I'm 27, and already fought this bastard once.....
I have realized that good things don't come easy to me, and I believe that makes me stronger. I'm willing to fight for the best. But damn... if you ask me if I'm scared about this battle........ Yes I am.
Joe you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Stephen.
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