Day 2

Dismal at best, woke up around 7am to see Pam and she didn't look like Pam. Bald, yellow from the Jondus, cold and a faint pulse. She was breathing ok, but she seemed weak from her destructive condition. When my dad and I went into her room to say hi, she briefly opened her eyes to look at us. I don't think she recognized us but I will never know because she can't speak.

I was in shock, this disease has turned a familiar face into an unknown, I truly feel for her family, her husband travels frequently for his job and they have a 14 yr. old getting ready to go into high school, and things don't seem to faze her. She just might not understand how to compute what is happening to her mother, I know I felt that way when my Bubba passed.

After visiting with my Aunt Pam, we went to visit my 98 yr. old Nona (great grandmother) Santa Romonoli, who is a living legend on my dad's side of the family, who is in a nursing home, with full care. Anyways she is struggling too, and I don't believe she recognized me today either. It's tough knowing that people close to you can't even remember you anymore.

After seeing my Nona, we went back to see Pam, and within the few hours we were gone, she has drastically gotten worse. Her breathing is shallow and weak, and she is showing signs that her vital organs are shutting down.

My dad and I said our final goodbye to her a few hours ago, and it was as tough as I thought it would be.

Jesus what a day.

This post might be all over the place, but so is my mind. I can't concentrate but I need to write this down.

Day 1

I’m on a plane from Detroit to Elmira NY to see my Aunt right now, and I feel obligated to write. I’m nervous and scared. My Nana has warned us that she is not well, and doesn’t have much longer.

I faced this disease head on, and it was tough, but for the most part there was very little uncertainly that I wasn’t going to kick this things ass. I’m going to be walking into the lion’s den in a few hours, and I don’t know how it’s going to affect me seeing this disease rapidly take someone close to me.

The last time I saw Pam was well over three years ago, before she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a rough visit, as our families always clashed over values and beliefs, something looking back, could have been fixed but both families were too proud to chance their ways. I don’t blame either side, as it reminds me of Matt Damon in The Departed when he says “If something is wrong your going to have to leave me, I’m Irish I’ll deal with something being fucked up my entire life”

Put in this situation, I regret it… I wish it didn’t come to this last ditch effort for family redemption. But for the situation it is the best thing we can do.

Hoping for the best when we land in 32 minuets.


Note: Landed, got to my grandparent's house ok, stayed up and talked with my Uncle Glenny. The feeling is somber around here, and everyone describes their feelings as 'numb' and 'shocked' My dad and I were told to prepare ourself for tomorrow with Pam. It's not going to be pretty.


More to come

Seriously... Go Fuck Your Self Cancer

I want to start off by letting everyone know, that I found out my uncle has 6 months to live... I guess that's good. but it is still a sad deadline. Until today....

My old man knew I was working today, but still called me around 9pm. I knew something was up, so I called him back, his 'hello' on the phone reminded me of times when I threw parties at his house when he wasn't around and I knew, he knew I rocked out. But I knew I did nothing wrong for him to sound so somber..... until he told me.

My Aunt Pam has 4-6 weeks left to live.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Your really going to take two of my family members away from me (Joe is my mom's side Pam is my Dad's side)

Seriously, is writing about cancer my new life? My Uncle Joe, I feel horrible about, I truly do, He has two girls now at Baldwin Wallace studying arts. My Aunt has 3 kids, two grown, one in high school, that's what kills me... losing your mother so young...

I did something I haven't done since high school today.......... I prayed the rosemary, for Joe, for Pam.

A day ago, I was going to write about how I had a cancer scare, I felt a tumor on my last little guy... turned out to be nothing, but the doctor recommended I wear briefs so I wore them today, for the first time since I was 7. I'll admit I think I looked good in them, but they are so uncomfortable when you are working. But then again, I didn't have the feeling of a tumor in my groin.  But who cares, this is family.

I look at my Aunt and Uncle, and it scares me. They were cured at some time and then things didn't last. What if that is my faith? I was diagnosed at 26, my aunt 47, my uncle 63,... and now they are on their last. I'm not scared of death, but I'm not ready for it, am I cursed?!?

Whatever happens I will tell cancer to fuck it's self till I die, and for Joe and for Pam I will recite the following prayer for both of them.

Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses;
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not in temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen

I am praying for you. Keep fighting that good fight......!!