21up gAy BINgo

Was the sign I passed promoting this upcoming event @ the Grady Cole center, I thought to myself for sometime... What the fuck do those two things have in common? I just didn't get the appeal, to me it seemed like it was a code word for some freaky group thing... ahh hell I don't know...

Well I just googled it and turns out it's a musical... . . The light bulb clicks on.

That's just how my day is going, mentally in a funk, thinking too much again. It's becoming a nuisance at times.

I went to Target today to pick up some more prescriptions, first time out with a shaved head. I didn't want to go, I was actually scared of seeing people I knew.

I saw myself in the mirror, pale and bald and I just don't look the same, I haven't shaved in almost a week and there's only stubble on my face. I swear people we're looking at me.

It's scary when you walk up to the pharmacy @ Target and the whole staff knows you by name, has your meds ready for you and pushes you to the front of the line. I feel like VIP, but this ain't no fucking night club.

Julie gets home soon, and I can't wait to see her.

You think it sucks to have cancer? How do you think cancer feels that it has Steve Fogg?

is what an old Fraternity brother said to me today. Ever since I've known him he's been a fucking smartass overachiever, our personalities couldn't be different but yet I've always appreciated him as a person, it's a genuine feeling.

Today, was a good day went to the doctor's office and no needles, I had my head shaved, bought my girlfriend a new dress for London. (she doesn't know yet, and I'm hoping she's already left work, and not reading this) made a conscience leap forward into securing the love that is my life, and just overall feel at peace today.

I don't want to indulge to deeply in the fact that I also found out that I really have surrounded myself with the best people in the world. I just can't believe it, your caring, thoughts, cards, charities, e-mails, phone calls, food, everything is truly unfathomably the best thing I have ever seen. Thoughtless caring, wow if the world was just full of this what an amazing place it would be.

I think that's a good ending for now,

From the bottom of my heart, I thank you and love you all.

Bleomycin Side Effects.

"Mama always said I do thing's 99% better than the rest, I guess this might be one of those instances when I hope to god she isn't right."

- My possible symptoms from Bleomycin

Pulmonary

This is potentially the most serious side effect, occurring in approximately 10% of treated patients. The most frequent presentation is pneumonitis occasionally progressing to pulmonary fibrosis . Approximately 1% of patients treated have died of pulmonary fibrosis. Pulmonary toxicity is both dose and age related, being more common in patients over 70 years of age and in those receiving over 400 units total dose. This toxicity, however, is unpredictable and has been seen occasionally in young patients receiving low doses.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bleomycin

The most serious complication of bleomycin is pulmonary fibrosis and impaired lung function. It has been suggested that bleomycin induces sensitivity to oxygen toxicity^[5] and recent studies support the role of the proinflammatory cytokines IL-18 and IL-1beta in the mechanism of bleomycin-induced lung injury.^[6] Past history of treatment with bleomycin should therefore always be disclosed to the anaesthetist prior to undergoing a procedure requiring general anaesthesia.

Thinking and smoking

Two things I'm doing to much of right now, my mind is so engulfed in subjects of matter I never once thought possible.

I was finally able to sleep today, around 9am till 11, 2 measly hours woke up to the Price is Right to only laugh at a hysterical App State student who was just chosen to guess the price.

I woke up feeling like a zombie, body is here but mind is somewhere else, the chemo is working again I can feel it. I couldn't really eat anything till I packed up a bowl, now I have an appetite.

I catch myself staring out into space thinking about everything, anything for long periods of time, it just happens, and I get scared to write about it... I wonder if it's just such crazy drivel or actual relevance?

One thing is for sure, a Smooth Marlboro Cigarette tastes like a steak dinner right now. It's bad I know, but I just can't help it....I've been good w/smoking here lately, it's a small pleasure in my day I can manage.

I think that's it for now,

I'm fighting the urge

My mind feels cluttered, like Napster in 1999. Body is jittery, but tired and sore. Can't sleep, again.

I don't know what to write, but I feel inclined to put words down.

I spent all fucking day trying to work off these roids, and I'm still awake, times like these I miss my Ambien. I can't kiss Julie enough, but yet these roids won't let me... I could spread an infection.

We're considering a second opinion on treatment if the messhole doctor tries to put me back on the "I can't breathe" meds again, I can't go through that shit again, I feel like a 50 something who just had a scare heart attack, and is grateful for every next day.

I guess the quote on the messhole wall "Every day is a gift" does have some meaning to it now, well at least to me. My priorities have changed, I feel like i wised up 10 years to what I want with life.

I think my hair stopped falling out, for now. Mom said I should just shave the fucker and get it over with. I know I'm stressing over this shit and I shouldn't, how vain it's becoming of me.

Shit I just yawned, I think it's a sign.

Smell ya, sorry for the drivel.

A small victory

Today, just feels like a winning day. No hospital rooms, no injections, no masks.

Just me, alone on a cold rainy day at peace with everything around me...if only for a few hours it's a great feeling, a victory.

Nothing says peaceful rainy day than making homemade chicken soup, a good classic rock station playing Dazed & Confused, and a medicated head, all while your body is slowly healing.

I'm still short of breath shaky and lethargic, but no new abnormal reactions today. It's time to savor this victory.

It's a good day........ Go Cavs!

A White Shade of Pale - Procol Harum

Ahh Damn French!!

Is what I said to my French nurse as she was pulling my chest hair out with my EKG monitors. Now that I think about it.... holy crap I had a French Nurse, isn't that like a male fantasy or something?!?

Well, no it is not.... the hospital is no fantasy.

Today I used my tattoo for the first time, I was in some bariatric chamber trying to breath and I couldn't I broke down and cried, and then saw that symbol of hope, and pushed through the metal blood coughs and failed the test. Treatment is on hold for the time being.

Each time I sit back and write, a new symptom pops up, this time it's the shakes, Imagine being on a case of red bull and no sleep for 48hrs. That's a glimpse of what my body feels like...Like a fucking riot. LA in 92' Hough & Harlem in the 60's, Fogg in 09' This is my fight and I intend to win.

The Long And Winding Road - Paul McCartney

4:35 am and my sheets are cold

I landed in the ER last night, I knew I needed it. I could barely breathe. The Presbo Doctors aren't completely sure what is wrong with me but they gave me tamiflu, and some breathing respirators for broncontius (fuck the spelling) I guess they think I could have the flu, phenomena, or something awesome, all I know is I looked like King Edward Longshanks (Braveheart reference) weezing away in my bed before I posted my ass up in the E.R.

Some observations,

- My gums feel like they are leaking metal all over my mouth

- I have no appetite

- The roids are making me break out

- At one point I counted 6 separate Band-Aids on my arms, hence blood was drawn 6 times today.

- A C/T Scan is small potatoes

- My tung and finger-tips keep going in and out of sudden numbness.

Chemo has made my body so weak

I'm now starting to lose hair

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected" - Tyler Durden

Cutting Down My Basil

I'm lost for words how to describe this feeling, I'm tired but anxious, mind feels relaxed but body is in pain. I just want to sleep and I can't keep my mind off of pointless drivel!

They gave me that shot today, that $5,000.00 shot... a... 1....uno shot, Five-thousand dollars.

I have to get 3, trois, three more..... Do that math.

It' s a t-cell injection shot that is boosting my immune system, I think that's why my body is all jittery, and I'm feeling all out of wack.

One set of drugs is trying to fuck my body up, the other is trying to make it better. A true battle of Axis & Allies... Who the fucks gonna win this one?

Spent the AM at the hospital and then spent the afternoon with Julie's family two of her sister's are running in that Avon walk, I was so proud to see them doing that shit. It really shows some awesome character.

Tomorrow is another hospital day, so is Monday.

I think I can nap now.

Signing off.

Gettin' Sick To Feel Better.

Gettin’ Sick to Feel Better.

Last night Julie and I hugged it out in the kitchen for a minuet, and all I could think about is how weird of a situation this is that we are in, every day I feel a bit less energetic, more worry of hair loss, and now from the Roids, I have a white film covering my throat called Thrust.

I laid my head on her shoulder and simply said “I’m getting’ sicker just to get healthy” isn’t that fucked up?

We made a kick ass meal, homemade everything, butternut squash soup, a potatoe/brussel sprout medely, and some lemon chicken. I was able to taste every bite.

I’m starting to get a persistent cough, and last night I had bouts with nausea. The hardest part was falling asleep, I was fighting the urge to take another Lorazapan, but I fell asleep before my greedy little hands could put more drugs in my system.

After last night, I am an advocate for the healing remedies of medical marijuana, it made it able to somewhat taste foods, and it reduced my nausea quite well, my overall ora just went in a different direction.

That's it for now, I would like to thank everyone for the positive e-mail's, comments, prayers, that I have received. I listening, and they are great motivational factors for me. If I know you or don't, Thank You for all of your support.

Signing out.

I'll Eat Your Babies Bitch!!!

So it's official, if I was a professional anything (baseball, football, swimming, biker... you name it) I would be kicked out of that sport for doping, yes kids that is correct I'm on roids.

They are helping with the allergic reactions to the drugs so now I don't stop breathing. One side effect is I need to take another drug to stop a Yeast infection from happening in my mouth and throat. Stupid roids, they also said I will get some sort of roid rage when I'm all done taking them... awesome personality trait.

Today was the easiest day of all, still no appetite but I ate what I think is a Gyro and fries, however it had no taste at all. I guess you could say it tasted like a ball of watered bleached flour.

My hair is showing signs of thinning (at least to me) they say by next week I should be close to bald, don't worry those pics will be up when I'm good and bald.

The worst part of all of this is I'm always the last one to leave the chemo b/c my drugs have to be administered slower than everyone else's b/c of my reactions.

I can tell I'm losing weight again, and it sucks... I'm already under 200lbs.

Well you know this was all drivel talk today, no real emotions come to the front. So I'm going to put this Mac down for the night and sleep.

Thank you everyone for all the prayers and support, This is an open book for who ever wants to read it so please pass it along. I want to inform as many people as possible about chemo. Maybe one day I will elaborate further about the surgeries, lord knows my last one was a trip to hell I now have a 13' scar down my stomach that looks more like an I.E.D. shrapnel wound than a preventative surgery.

I'm off, the drugs are kicking in...time to go to lala land. Also if anyone has a connect for some green I'd be a happy boy, they won't give me Maranol till the 3rd week and I want to get my appetite back.

Thanks for all your prayers and support.

Quotes on the wall

These are saying I see on the walls near me

"Everyday holds a possibility of a miracle"

- Fuck miracle I'm going to orange crush this like R.E.M.

"Life is not measured by the number of breaths we takebut the moments that take our breath away."

- Nothing to say about this

"Every day is a gift"

- Santa Clause didn't get this memo

The doctors put me on steroids that I have to take at the house before I come in for treatment. 5 little green pills.

Julie woke me today to take them, she says that I yelled out " Now I can be strong like professional wrestler!"

Ok the loopy/sleepy meds are arriving in my blood stream. This is it for now, more to come...

Pictures are courtesy of an extremely talented Keith Williams - I owe you some Jameson when I get better.

More to come.

Sweet Baby Jesus

The title of this post is irrelevant to the actual blog, I'm just loopy on drugs to keep my food down.

After my last post I went directly to sleep (similar to Monopoly's "go directly to jail) I woke up and it was dark out side, felt like it was 4am with a cotton filled mouth and a empty stomach with no craving for food.

I am now starting to feel the effects of chemo, my appetite is virtually gone, my energy level is down, and my head continues to feel like I'm in the clouds.

I lost my breath today... again, turns out I'm allergic to two of the three drugs they give me, I was flustered and coughing for 10 min until they yanked the IV out of my arm and gave me an emergency injection of steroids and benedryl. My breathing is still tight, but much better.

Before I even started chemo I lost 25 lbs, I'm only imagining how much more I will lose pretty soon I'll be skin and bones.

On that note I'm going to spend the last 32 min. of Julie's birthday with her, I'm sad because I couldn't do what I wanted to do for her today due to my procedure.... hopefully Saturday I can redeem myself.

Speaking of Julie she just gave me a cheese cracker... she spoils me :)

"VICTORY!!!!!!!" - "Johnny Drama"

Day 3 of the Dirty Juice Part 1

Hello all,

It’s 12:54 on a Wednesday and the I.V. in my arm looks like it’s going to explode. The messhole doctor said they want to just give me an I/V instead of installing a port in my chest, from what I can gather this is a good thing but I’m sure I’ll be looking like a trcked up heroin user when this thing is all done.

Had a quick snafu this AM, had to drive myself to the doctors but no worries it is what it is. I’m not in much of an anything mood right now, I just tried eating a muffin, it stayed down but I’m hiccupping from it and it’s making me a bit nauseous.

Ok well I’m starting to get sleepy again, so this is it for today. Sorry if it was boring… It’s hard to have an exciting story to tell every day when you sit in a polyester-vinyl seat starting at nothing but emotionless half awake zombies for 4 hours.

Side note, I’m listening to Neil Young right now, good shit man…. Damn good shit.

Audios

Part Duex is around the corner, much more interesting, I stopped breathing... blab blah blah. I will try to write about it tonight, but right now I'm so doped up, exhausted, nauseated, I just need a breather.

See you on the flip side.

Adam & Eve

Just finished up my breakfast / lunch combo of Rice Crispy treats, homemade cookies from my mom, V12 Plutonium and Blyomecine, all with a hearty side of holiday gravy!!

I bet you can guess what things I didn’t mind having. I’m groggy, tired as shit and my mind is foggy (no pun intended) I had some adverse side effects from the drugs last night, including cold sweats, sudden constant body shakes, and extremely vivid dreams (I even remember the one when I had a 2 on 2 game of basketball of me and Luke Skywalker v. Chewy and that little green guy… you know…. The one who is a dyslectic retard “go now you must”) weird I know.

Someone my age is sitting across from me, he has already lost his hair and seems worn out, but spirits are up. We started talking and turns out he was planning to go to London with his wife in September to see a Chelsea match, but couldn’t end up going b/c of the chemo.

I’m scheduled to go to London late November. Please don’t’ take that away from me too. Anyways the drugs are starting to make me dose on and off so I think I’m done for now.

Also I’m a house music kick right now so if anyone has recommendations outside the norm (Diplo, MSTRKRFT Oakenfold..etc) let me know I’m in a interesting musical place right now.

- That picture of the DVD porn is courtesy of my hospital, that was some of the fine watching I had while there…. Lovely, I know.

Going to sleep off that metal sandwich I just had @ Panera... Smell ya later tater(s)

Day 1 - Getting the bad Juice

2 drugs , one throat closing allergic reaction, and 4 hours later I’m down to my last drug today, this should take about an hr or so. I haven’t lost my appetite yet but this last drug (blyomicine) just made my mouth taste like a copper pipe, I’m salivating and it feels like metal shavings in throat.

So I thankfully don’t have anything too depressing to mention today, the nurses are great… very friendly and making sure we’re as happy as we can be for being in Dr. Messhole’s waiting room of chemo doom.

I’m trying to think of things to write, however I keep going in and out of exhaustion, eyes get heavy, brain stops working…… nap………

Wake up and do a bit more, then go back to bed.

Ok I’m going back to bed… let’s shoot to post a new blog tonight.

Fuck you Cancer, your days are numbered…..

Here we go Chemo Here we go! Woof Woof! Wait....What?

So it's late... well not me insomnia usual late but the Mrs. is in bed and I'm up thinking of what's going to happen tomorrow.

I couldn't of had a better way to go out than like this, trip to Cleveland was amazing, thank you Amy for the pic of Boyd (which I have wanted for years!), and Jesse's make a wish gift busting me up in downtown Cleveland and letting me rock out on the Wheels of Steel....

Ok enough with the "shout outs" (yes I did work in hip-hop radio for nearly 4 yrs.) back to the shit.

Cleveland rocked, Charlotte & the Browns Backers rocked too, even though we lost.... it was still a hell of a way to go out.

The messhole doctors keep being contradictive of what will happen with me, they say " I might crap my pants, or I might not crap at all" "I might be up to working out, or I might want to sleep the day away on the couch"

Either way one thing they do not contradict is that this is going to suck huge monkey balls, not just any monkey balls.... but the ones from a rabid A.I.D.S. carrying monkey from the congo who just attacked a church group on their way to dig a well for a camp of refugees who are escaping their neighboring country due to a holocaust regime. (hope that outlines my excitement for this journey)

I've been to hell, back to normal, back to hell again, and now back to normal..... tomorrow I return to Satan's hell.... I'll kick this shit and be back up and running sooner than you know.

Side note - anyone know where I can get some quality DJ equipment on the cheap? Looking for some T1200 tables, Serado, & Vestac board..... Please let me know.... I want to turn the office into a studio Thank you Jesse for making me realize I need to get back into the game.

Tomorrow, if I can, I plan to write from the chair in the messhole doctor's office let's see what type of things come out of my mouth then.

I Heart Wilford Brimley

Sonograms, C/T Scans, & MRI's.....Ohh My

It wasn't too bad, just glad I'm not claustrophobic. They gave me ear plugs because it was so damn loud in there but I didn't mind it one bit. Some of the sounds actually made a good beat, that is if my name was Hans and I enjoyed post Berlin Wall industrial techno music.

Anyways, they say I should know something by Friday which really means... me harassing them till they finally get back to me sometime late next week.

Tomorrow, I head to the homefront for a few days of R&R... Looking forward to a Pastrami on Jewish Rye at Slyman's and a slice @ Mama Santa's in Little Italy.

See you on the flip side.

Oblivious or just Assholes?

Ok, going off the subject of chemo and cancer for a quick rant on a subject that is coming up more and more everyday, is your boss Oblivious or just an Asshole?

We all know times are fucking tight.......right? The little guys are doing more work, and the bosses are sweating those annual performance reviews, so they can feed those shin kickers right in time for the holidays.

I want to publish a recent story that has been told to me by numerous people, however to respect their need of employment and possible HR harassment I will oblige from elaborating further. Guys just know, I'm thinking of you.

A thought for the times...

Clear Channel enacted a program in the the early millennium (holy shit saying that made me realize it's almost 2010) using a "Less Is More" theory, now I've never worked for them, never did anything with this program, I actually thought it was stupid at the time, (granted I might be a bit biased working for their major competitor)

But, this phrase "Less Is More" is what we are all going through now, less money, less vacation, less benefits, less credit, less.... well you get the picture, while the "more" is all crap, more paperwork, more stress, more bills, more SHIT. We're being asked to do a fuckload more while receiving less and being scrutinized more. Is this really how we want to live life?

Times are tough..... yes we know it, but throw out a bone every once and awhile, drones work in complacency, leaders thrive in environments where they feel trusted.

Where do you feel you stand please e-mail me (stephenfogg@yahoo.com) and let me know, tell a story...get some shit off your chest if your need to, everything will be kept in complete confidentiality. Seeing what I've seen, and hearing what I've been hearing people need to get this shit off their chests just to make the day go by.

Now it's about time to get my MRI for Brain Tumors, god I hope they don't find anything.... I'm not Lance Armstrong, I do ride a bike, but I smoke, drink, enjoy the little things in life. So no Tour de. France for me, I guess I'mma keep trying to build the worlds largest music collection instead.

Wheww, I'm bushed from this one. Later Boners.

REACH Charlotte

So I don't know how this entry is going to go.... Today, so many different emotions came to the front and right now my mental exhaustion is making my hands shake like Lou Gehrig.

First chore of the day is head to REACH Charlotte and put some baby batter on ice, woke up tired and cranky, driving to the place I heard a commercial played on my old station for them. I loved their slogan "Guarantee within 6 tries you'll bring a baby home, or your money back" this sounds more like the new General Motors car challenge, than a welcoming place to keep the Fogg legacy on hold.

At the clinic I felt like a John working with a hooker. Very formal, a large monetary sum is exchanged and then I 'enjoy' some girl on girl smut, in the comforts of a very dreary room. Afterwards you leave your room with a sense of being busted for prostitution and the lady who did your processing...err paper work, gives you a I know what you did type of look.

One doctor down, one more to go to, this time, back to the messhole. I am sat down in a room with a Nurse Practitioner to describe what to expect. Shit they don't leave anything to the imagination, after an hour of hearing I'm going to lose my hair, food will taste like a penny, kidneys might fail, blah blah blah the most depressing part of the entire apt. was them saying I can't get my tattoo today.

The plan was to get a tattoo on my forearm, however after the messhole doctors said the skin might blister and become infected due to the ink, I took their advice and passed on the tattoo......on my arm.

I did get one on my left ankle, hurt like hell and it felt like every single needle point was hitting bone. But it was well worth it, an Egyptian symbol for hope that I altered the color of the full moon to support the fight against testicular cancer.

Well, shit that's it for now. Tomorrow they are doing a brain scan just to verify this awesome disease didn't spread to my think tank. Cleveland, I'll see you in two days.

Till next time.

One Week Away

Chemo starts in one week, taking my vitamins and eating everything I ever thought tasted good. They say food is going to start tasting like metal, and my teeth might be sensitive to anything hot. Sounds like fucking joy if you ask me.

Julie is amazing and put together a surprise party for me @ The Sanctuary, and I want to thank everyone for showing up, it was a blast. I haven't felt that good in a long time, now granted the next day I was reintroduced to a hangover it was well worth it. I also had some great friends from Cleveland come in town for the week, we rocked it hardcore till this morning. Seeing those guys again makes my liver hurt.

After seeing that depressing messhole (that is my official name for the Dr. office) of where my treatment will be at I have determined that an inspiring tattoo is in order, I need something to keep me going and keep hope alive. Tomorrow I have a 2pm apt. at Fu's Tattoo in NoDa, I'm ready.....set........... Go!

Fuck You Cancer

Welcome, Bienvenue, Valkommen, Willkumme, Hola,

Fuck You Cancer, is all about that.. telling cancer to go fuck off. This is going to be a mental trip, vulgar, frustrating, informative, motivational, and maybe at times obscene. It's been hard to keep everyone in the loop and I'm learning each day that more and more people want to follow my progress, so I'm giving this a chance.

I'm done with my surgeries already, but I might go back on them a bit. Chemo starts in 10 days, and I will be in a miserable messhole of a waiting room to get my treatment. I want to start there. This should be interesting.