Insanity is doing the exact thing over with no new results.

I've gone through a realization that the many ways that I am doing things needs to be reevaluated and redefined. This focus is on employment. An article in the WSJ this week focused on HR people and how they automatically screen for people who have been out of employment for over a year (some keep that window open to 18 months) Automatically they are just put to the side. I fit in those groups, and have to develop a plan to get around this fact.

The anxiousness of waiting to hear back from my previous interview kept me up most of this weekend, just thinking and praying that I could hear something sooner, rather than later. This made me get on my computer and start looking for more job opportunities if I see anything on CareerBuilder.com that can remotely be a fit, I look it over and submit a resume and coverletter, and if they are local I'm always following up with a face-to-face resume drop off.

As far as I know,,,,this has done noting.

I'm out of black printer ink.....and tomorrow starts a new week of the job search. This time I need to find new ways to approach prospective employers.

Cheers

Turning the Corner

Hello world,

It has been quite a journey since I last divulged my thoughts to you all, and many things have happened. The past month has been a journey to say goodbye to loved ones, and it has been a reflection of how important family should be. My Aunt passed hours after my last post, my Nona (Great-grandma) passed away two Friday's ago, and my Uncle passed away the very next day. Needless to say it has been a busy month of paying my respects.

I have an interview tomorrow with a local media outlet, and I'm filled with excitement for the opportunity so I have been preparing extensively the past few days to make sure I get that offer sheet tomorrow. During this time of preparing I dug through an old box of stuff I kept from my CBS Radio days hoping to find a presentation or anything that might help give me a lift above the competition. While looking through that box I came across some pictures Julie took during my time in Chemo, and they were just inspirational looking back to what I was to where I am now was a proverbial wake up call to what I have accomplished. But one more thing needs to be... a real job.

I'm nervous for tomorrow because it's a glimpse into finally resurrecting a normal life. I'm anxious to have the opportunity to come home at 6 and spend the nights with Julie, I'm excited to be able to be on the same schedule as my friends. Most importantly I'm thrilled for the opportunity to work in a real work environment. I've done this job before I know I can do it again, but with this new outlook on life I believe I will be better than before, I truly do.

"You don't know what you got until it is gone" I have an opportunity to get that back, and I won't let it slip through my fingers.

Day 2

Dismal at best, woke up around 7am to see Pam and she didn't look like Pam. Bald, yellow from the Jondus, cold and a faint pulse. She was breathing ok, but she seemed weak from her destructive condition. When my dad and I went into her room to say hi, she briefly opened her eyes to look at us. I don't think she recognized us but I will never know because she can't speak.

I was in shock, this disease has turned a familiar face into an unknown, I truly feel for her family, her husband travels frequently for his job and they have a 14 yr. old getting ready to go into high school, and things don't seem to faze her. She just might not understand how to compute what is happening to her mother, I know I felt that way when my Bubba passed.

After visiting with my Aunt Pam, we went to visit my 98 yr. old Nona (great grandmother) Santa Romonoli, who is a living legend on my dad's side of the family, who is in a nursing home, with full care. Anyways she is struggling too, and I don't believe she recognized me today either. It's tough knowing that people close to you can't even remember you anymore.

After seeing my Nona, we went back to see Pam, and within the few hours we were gone, she has drastically gotten worse. Her breathing is shallow and weak, and she is showing signs that her vital organs are shutting down.

My dad and I said our final goodbye to her a few hours ago, and it was as tough as I thought it would be.

Jesus what a day.

This post might be all over the place, but so is my mind. I can't concentrate but I need to write this down.

Day 1

I’m on a plane from Detroit to Elmira NY to see my Aunt right now, and I feel obligated to write. I’m nervous and scared. My Nana has warned us that she is not well, and doesn’t have much longer.

I faced this disease head on, and it was tough, but for the most part there was very little uncertainly that I wasn’t going to kick this things ass. I’m going to be walking into the lion’s den in a few hours, and I don’t know how it’s going to affect me seeing this disease rapidly take someone close to me.

The last time I saw Pam was well over three years ago, before she was first diagnosed with breast cancer. It was a rough visit, as our families always clashed over values and beliefs, something looking back, could have been fixed but both families were too proud to chance their ways. I don’t blame either side, as it reminds me of Matt Damon in The Departed when he says “If something is wrong your going to have to leave me, I’m Irish I’ll deal with something being fucked up my entire life”

Put in this situation, I regret it… I wish it didn’t come to this last ditch effort for family redemption. But for the situation it is the best thing we can do.

Hoping for the best when we land in 32 minuets.


Note: Landed, got to my grandparent's house ok, stayed up and talked with my Uncle Glenny. The feeling is somber around here, and everyone describes their feelings as 'numb' and 'shocked' My dad and I were told to prepare ourself for tomorrow with Pam. It's not going to be pretty.


More to come

Seriously... Go Fuck Your Self Cancer

I want to start off by letting everyone know, that I found out my uncle has 6 months to live... I guess that's good. but it is still a sad deadline. Until today....

My old man knew I was working today, but still called me around 9pm. I knew something was up, so I called him back, his 'hello' on the phone reminded me of times when I threw parties at his house when he wasn't around and I knew, he knew I rocked out. But I knew I did nothing wrong for him to sound so somber..... until he told me.

My Aunt Pam has 4-6 weeks left to live.

FUCK YOU CANCER.

Your really going to take two of my family members away from me (Joe is my mom's side Pam is my Dad's side)

Seriously, is writing about cancer my new life? My Uncle Joe, I feel horrible about, I truly do, He has two girls now at Baldwin Wallace studying arts. My Aunt has 3 kids, two grown, one in high school, that's what kills me... losing your mother so young...

I did something I haven't done since high school today.......... I prayed the rosemary, for Joe, for Pam.

A day ago, I was going to write about how I had a cancer scare, I felt a tumor on my last little guy... turned out to be nothing, but the doctor recommended I wear briefs so I wore them today, for the first time since I was 7. I'll admit I think I looked good in them, but they are so uncomfortable when you are working. But then again, I didn't have the feeling of a tumor in my groin.  But who cares, this is family.

I look at my Aunt and Uncle, and it scares me. They were cured at some time and then things didn't last. What if that is my faith? I was diagnosed at 26, my aunt 47, my uncle 63,... and now they are on their last. I'm not scared of death, but I'm not ready for it, am I cursed?!?

Whatever happens I will tell cancer to fuck it's self till I die, and for Joe and for Pam I will recite the following prayer for both of them.

Our Father who art in heaven hallowed be thy name
thy kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven
give us this day our daily bread and forgive us our trespasses;
as we forgive those who trespass against us;
and lead us not in temptation,
but deliver us from evil.

Amen

I am praying for you. Keep fighting that good fight......!!

Ready to reconnect with the Lord.

I found out today that my uncle's throat cancer is incurable, and he is on his last weeks of life, I also found out today that a coworkers dad (she found out on her 21st birthday, and this is my Uncles 65th birthday) was diagnosed with Lymphoma today..................... Fuck cancer man.... why does it do this to good people?

My Uncle Joe, I will admit that I always thought he was a bum. Since high school I thought he never had his shit together, I never gave him a chance. He is an artist, a true musician, and I didn't understand those people. I look back at his life, and realize his genius for music never made me understand him. I thought he was a bum and I haven't given him a chance since my grandpa passed away. I knew this day would come, but damn.... I feel guilty.... more than ever. I blocked him out of my life, I was selfish.

The day my grandfather passed away I was dating a woman named Nicole, she and Pat and some of the Benedictine Monks came to pay their respects. I still remember that day, I was just legal to drive. Uncle Joe asked me for a ride to the funeral, and I told him to find his own ride.

I've thought about that since I said it, at the time I thought..... well maybe he can finally realize what he is doing. Like he isn't at his peak, maybe lazy, I thought he was a bum. But looking back now I realize he was being who he is, a genius musician who played for the Cleveland Orchestra.

On Jessica and Craig's wedding I remember him being normal, why....

Because Craig is a musician, and Joe talked in length about his life with music. I sat back and watched him describe every symphony in the world, and why Cleveland's was in the top 5. At that time I didn't realize who Joe is, but now I understand his mind.

My mother has done everything in her power to help Joe out, and I'm almost to tears thinking about it. I remember one time coming home to visit, and all mom could do was talk to creditors on behalf of Joe, because he understood one life, but not our life.

Joe, I'm sorry....... I wish it wasn't too late.

On a lighter side of things, I think I'm finally ready for confession. Which in my mind is the first step back to a life with the lord. Joe might have a part to play with it, but I truly believe I'm ready to try to connect with the lord again.

I know Father Gerard is out there reading this, and it is all too soon unfortunate visit to Cleveland coming up. I would truly appreciate him to honor my request while I am in town. I am ready to try again. I've prayed more in the past 3 months than I can ever understand. Julie keeps asking me to go to church with her, but I'm terrified of what I might feel.... more resentment, more distrust.... what will come out of my visit with the lord.

I look at what has happened with cancer and my family, my grandfather passed from it, one aunt is going through her second fight, and the other one is one her third, my uncle is on his way out..... what the hell am I in for? I'm 27, and already fought this bastard once.....

I have realized that good things don't come easy to me, and I believe that makes me stronger. I'm willing to fight for the best. But damn... if you ask me if I'm scared about this battle........ Yes I am.

Joe you are in my thoughts and prayers.


Stephen.

Follow your heart

Hello world, it's been awhile.

I'm sorry for my readers that I have left you in the dark lately, but life just hasn't left me time to write. If it has I've actually felt that there is something that should be left to doubt and for the first time, there is something I want left private.

Today is 7.18.2010, two years ago to this day that the best gift was given to me. The best thing I have ever asked for. Two years ago today I found myself... This is my 4th of July. But it's hard to celebrate, today is special to me, a promise of forever that I hope will last just as long.

Congress, what can I say about it. I meet with the powers of my State, and was able to give them a taste of blue collar life without insurance. I was adamant, and persistent and told my story they heard it.  I want to think I made a change, an insight into what is wrong with our system. But seeing generic thank you letters from my senators makes me think I was another asshole begging for help.

I pride myself on hard work and dedication, and in only a few instances speaking to Congress did I feel that my story gave a shit to our representatives. Those two people are Sue Myrick and Patrick McHenry. They could have just been appeasing me, but they listened. (And yes they are Republicans)

Sue, is a Breast Cancer survivor and she knew what I was going through. From diagnosis, recovery, and getting life back to normal, she sympathized, she understood what it is to take a year out of your life and push your heart back to reality. She provided me with the resources I needed to fast track a normal life, I hope that ten years from now I will look at our meeting, and then look at my life and thank her for the opportunity she has given me.

Patrick McHenry, this kid from Mooresville is 34, and I hope he goes for Kay Hagan's seat in the Senate. I truly do he will do so much.  I wish this guy was in Charlotte, I would volunteer for him. He has what it takes to be a true politician. I told my story to him, about the year of hell and how I'm just barely getting through, he embraced it. I was to the point of crying when I told him how scared I was of getting a blood test without insurance, because if it came back positive, well then you can consider me financially bankrupt. He understood my passion, my hurt, my scared inhibition.

But he enlightened me about the truths of our system, and how things are above our eyes. I won't call it corruption, but it is defined as greed. He showed me the importance of spending, and it made sense. An example of this is a six month fix for Medicade (remember SIX month fix) would cost tax payers a TEN year tax. For the first time I realized why Republicans do what they do. The short term fix will cost us in the end, and I realize that now.

The past year of my life I have related to the Democratic Party, mostly because of the programs that helped me through my health issues. But (and you know there is a but) you become attached to these programs, and next thing you realize you are looking for others to support you. I was in this situation, and I didn't realize the effect until I was cut off from Social programs. They can help people in need, but it's an easy trap to become comfortable with taking something you 'need' when in reality you just need motivation to get off your ass and apply yourself. Outside looking in, these social programs killed my motivation. A life lesson I learned the hard way.

I am now in a place of constant motivation, the depression is gone, as it will just bring me down. The belief that I will surface from this horrible time in my life better than before gets me excited. I meet with a good friend earlier this week who is also a survivor, and he told me.
   "You don't know it now, but this is the best thing that ever happened to you" I've honestly thought that  since remission, but I've never heard it from someone who was in my place, we see eye to eye, and I truly believe him. Those few words brought perspective to my new life mission.

Who knows what is next, but I am a man who follows his heart first and dammit I'm not going to stop that. Life has bumps in the road, but the strongest will always prevail.

I consider myself the strongest man I know.

Till next time.

I'M GOING TO CONGRESS!!!!

Lads,
It's about that time, Monday I leave and speak my mind to the most influential people in the free world, I've been down in the dumps for the past few weeks but I have to put that off because of something more important.

I'm 27, close to bankruptcy, and in the darkest time of my life. But I can't help but be excited about what is next for me.

I found out today that I can get my BSN for $10,400 AND if I sign a contract with CMC they will reimburse me 80% of my studies. Holy shit I found a viable answer.

Two days ago I was depressed as hell, I told my parents "all I need is one good thing to happen, and all things will come together" praying for it to happen.

well I have been in deep depression for awhile, things haven't worked out for me lately. I have no real job, my unemployment hasn't been around for 9 weeks, I have no insurance, my rock is having doubts, and I'm fighting to get into any nursing school. yesterday I found hope.

Fr. Gerard has been sending me messages of hope, and kept me praying.... you know it's tough to believe for me now-a-days. But he never gave up on me.

I prayed every day after reading his e-mail. Just asking for one thing to go my way....and it did.

It's a small thing, but the radio in my car has been broke for 3 weeks now, and I finally found out how to fix it. The second I figured things out I called my Mom, Dad, and Julie and for the first time in a damn long time.... felt an accomplishment. I had a smile on my face, I remembered how things were.

It's not an answer, but it is hope. I look at myself everyday in the mirror and know I'm better than what I'm doing.... 

What is next for me

HERE'S TO CONGRESS

COBRA - Sly Stallone

So I think it is about time to dig deep into the problem with health insurance. As I prepare for my trip to Congress at the end of the month I can't help but try to complicate things by bringing up the greedy scam that insurance can be. Let me explain.

I was cancelled from my COBRA insurance over 1 month ago, because of lack of payment. (For you that don't know how COBRA works, you must send a payment in by 'x' day or you are cancelled. I was always a month ahead of my COBRA for this reason alone.

On April 16th, I was cancelled from my insurance because they did not receive my payment. I freaked out, how could this happen. I looked at my checkbook and saw the carbon copy of a check written on March 29th for payment, and noticed it was cashed by my COBRA beneficiary (APT if you want to google them) after months of phone calls, I was finally able to talk to someone who said I had 60 days to appeal their decision, so I did what they requested and sent in an appeals request, and I received a letter that I expected, I was rejected.

I researched this topic further and talked with my doctors about the situation, they laughed when I told them what happened, their reaction sounded like they have been through this time and time again. They told me, that APT is trying to get out of a policy that is not affordable for them.

Ok I get it, health insurance is a business, but greed is another issue, this isn't car insurance.... this is my fucking health!!! Because of these greedy dirt bags I had to miss my follow up appointment to determine if I am still in remission. I did some more research on insurance, this shocked me.

Statically from the AMA (American Medical Association) If your COBRA policy pays out more than $25,000 a year, your beneficiary has an 40% chance that they will try to find a way to cancel your policy, they do this because they believe only 35% will file suit, and out of that 35% only 7.5% will actually go to trial and win a claim. This means they are playing the odds on the public to fight this travesty. It makes me sick to think of the people working in these companies who put money ahead of peoples well being.... absolutely sick.

This is why I will be going to Congress on the 29th, I am not certain of the real positive attributes that will come from health care reform, but the health insurance industry is in shambles. It needs reform! Why is it that our Health insurance is the least regulated form of insurance out there?!?

Example. My medical bills were close to $200,000.00 but the insurance companies paid out only around $40,000.00, I get it they have contracts with hospitals. But why should the less fortunate have to pay so much out of pocket, and the insurance company pays 25% of that, it's like buying a Rolls Royce for the price of an Audi...

To me it just doesn't make sense. It makes me sick and depressed to think that I am one of those people being fucked over by my insurers because I got sick.

Change needs to happen.

Stove top boys

Life is meaningful, it is precious, it can also become abolished.

Sitting here half drunk and home alone makes me miss the good life. The days when I had a regular 9-5 job, I knew my responsibilities I knew my duties. I knew where I belonged. I was content, but it was structure to life. I knew how to handle that.

Right now I have none of that.  I miss it.

How do I handle my life? Right now? I'm in a relationship where I bring nothing to the table financially and it makes me feel like crap, I'm trying to marry this woman but who in their right mind would marry my ass. Every day I grow fonder of her, and love how strong willed she is.

I have meet my soul mate.

I might be overemphasizing money but I was brought up that way.

Talking to a good friend today, we spoke in length about where I plan on going,... career wise. He told me I needed to develop the brand that I am.  Brand. What is it?

I look at my F U Cancer wristband right below my LIVESTRONG bracelet and can't help but wonder, is this my brand? Am I slated to become the Fuck You Cancer man? Damn my mind is running to hard right now.

I know there is light at the end of the tunnel, but man it's a mind trip getting there. I went from a 100k a year person to well living off a few hundred bucks here and there.

Money isn't everything, but it sure does help. I'm running out of credit.

I still have a lot of talking to do to God, but damn if he was here he would sure make life a whole lot easier right about now.

In the darkest times a strong man prevails.

~ Sorry for the rant, but it's top of mind.

Only the good die young - Billy Joel

Salute.

Foggy

Next step in life and the curve balls that come with it.

Hello world,

It has been quite sometime since I last wrote to you, life has picked up so fast that I just couldn't find the time to sit down and write a legitimate blog, I'm sorry for that... I suck.

As of today, I am drug free (including pot), unemployed, with out benefits and no insurance. I lost my benefits when I registered for classes. Turns out taking 2 classes at a community college defaults my unemployment they can't determine the difference between a full time and part time student. After 5 weeks of appealing them, yesterday I finally spoke with someone and will hopefully be back on my social program in a few weeks.

Insurance, well shit. COBRA says they never received my check, so with out warning my insurance was cancelled. I had to postpone a 3 month checkup to make sure I am still cancer free because of this. I've been fighting the insurance company for weeks now, with little traction. Sometimes this makes it hard to sleep at night, all I can think about are the what if's. I'm playing Russian Roulette with my health right now and it's scary.

These two factors have made it impossible for me to go back to school full-time right now, and I have been actively pursuing full time employment (with benefits) I need money and I need health insurance. My goal of becoming a male nurse (ref. FOCKER) is going to take longer than expected because now I can only take night classes.

As for the job search, shit.... pathetic.... only opportunities out there i will be taking a step backwards. Today I had an interview with the Yellow Pages, and just wondered why the fuck am I doing this. I don't want to do that job. But I entertained it because they offer health benefits after 90 days (that is if I can last there 90 days w/o getting shitty)

Besides being a social/professional loser right now I have to say I am excited to head to Congress on the 28th. We're already working on media kits, business cards, and my speech. The group sponsoring my travels will be providing me with a "Coach" to review what I will be speaking about and what I should emphasize.

Good news I'm finally not working weekends, so I can see my friends again. Tomorrow we are going poolside.

Till next time folks

Mary....holla at me!

I sit here awake at almost 4am, vodka in my hand feeling like something needs to be said. Work today was amazing, I had my first $300.00 table which is huge in tips, tonight was a good night.

I think I'm ready to talk about another hard part during this whole cancer situation. I've debated posting this because it's sad to me, more so than the other posts. So here it goes.

The lord and I have a a lot to talk about. I have been asking him why did this happen to me since the day I was laid off @ Garland. I gave up on him, but yet said a prayer before each one of my surgeries. After that second surgery put me through so much pain, I gave up on him. Chemo was in the future.

As my Chemo treatment near, I decide to go to Cleveland for an impromptu visit to my finest religious years, Cleveland Benedictine High School. I found the priest I needed to talk with Fr. Gerard. We spoke at great lengths about what I had gone through and what's next.

I told him I came back to Benedictine for a blessing from you, which he gladly did.

Everything seemed to be at peace at that moment... he noticed my relaxed yet excited expressions. I had faith again.

Afterwards, I went to Slyman's Deli with my mom and had the best tasting lunch in months. I knew I still had faith, but the Lord and I got a lot of talkin' still to do.

I love WWII documentaries and disturbing druggie movies.

I can't help but notice how my leisure life has become a list.
*  WW2 in HD parts 1-10
* the battle rats of iwo jima parts 1-6
* SPUN * watched twice
* Permanent midnight  - I'm watching it for the 2nd time while writing this.
The War - ken burns - It's my second time watching this, and it still shocks me.

I have been obsessively watching these programs for the past two weeks and can't seem how to define, why can't I turn away when they turn on?


This time of watching man's despair makes me anxious towards my next step in life.

I'm in the happiest time of my life.

Salute'

Stephen

Tomorrow is a big day.

So tomorrow I get to reintroduce myself to the world of cancer treatments. As many times as I've visited the Messhole I don't think I can ever get comfortable being there.

Almost like a feeling of distrust or lost in a distant land.

Tomorrow I start my testing to see if I can say I'm officially in remission. Blood work and a C/T Scan are in my near future. I'm kind of scared for tomorrow to happen. I mean, it feels like forever ago since I last visited a doctor for cancer treatments. I try not to remember about that time as to this day it's still hard to deal with.

My regulars as Boudreaux who have been keeping up with my progress all know tomorrow I get my testing, and they all wish me well, a few of them I told that if you see me here next week things are all good, if not another round of chemo.

Fuck.

I don't want treatments anymore... life has progressed.

On a lighter note, I am also nervous because tomorrow I also get to pitch the For Your Cure idea to some nurses since we have become established and we are now legit enough to actually do some good. I wonder how they are going to react?

Has anyone ever watched Tosh.O on Comedy Channel? I just watched that funny ass show, and anyways he plugged this www. site called Chatroulette and I have to say it is the strangest thing I have ever seen. I'm getting so behind with internet knowledge now-a-days that seeing Chatroulette makes me feel like my mom trying to turn on a computer.

Deftones - Hole in the Earth.

WOW! I just can't say WOW enough.

So tonight.....

How do I describe it? Besides Hooked...........

Tonight was exactly what I envisioned our first event to be.

Emotions are pouring out of me tonight, drunk....on booze and this euphoric high.

You know tonight, I meet the first person to humble me.

I'm self induced at times, I recognize this... It's one of my many flaws.

But I meet a woman tonight, that truly made me feel blessed for my situation.

    I am just getting off the microphone after telling Rozak and everyone at Gin Mill a sub par chemo description and a thank you, I'm walking towards the bathroom area to meet a member of the Charlotte Artist Alliance and I think I hear someone say "Hi Steve"

I turn around and look, dumbfounded I think I know this woman, turns out I don't and I introduce myself.

I realize the woman on her left is wearing a satchel and looked nervous as shit.

All she says to me is, I can relate to you.

I look her in the eyes and see her pain........it sucked to see her like this. A stranger I've never meet before.

We talked for a few minuets, and I admittedly told her "you are the first patient I have ever talked to"

I've meet people before or after treatment, but never someone going through it...... It was a wake up call.

When she told me she came from Tennessee for this event I really felt blank inside.

How the fuck do I tell my story, and say it was horrible. When this woman just went what I went through..... but did it for 18 months!!

She humbled me.... but she also made me more adamant for this organization to some damn good in this world!

~ This post is much better than what I have drafted up.

Jamaica Mon!

All You Need Is Love ~ The Beatles

Finally Ready

I think I'm finally ready to talk about my second surgery. I have been hesitant to talk about this for some time now because, well, it was a low point for me and it was the toughest thing I have ever gone through.

Many of you know me, and know I can be a dumb ass at times. I've been arrested, I've landed in the ER, I've made an ass out of my self while drunk. All things I am not proud of but I was never ashamed to tell people what happened.

Chemo was an absolute motherfucker, I could feel it breaking down my body, I was in a state where I needed other to help me, something I feel ashamed about.  The drugs and support around me helped me write about my life during that time. My gratitude is endless for all your support.

My second surgery was called a lymph-node dissection surgery, where surgeons cut me open from the base of my chest plate to below my belly button, all to explore my insides to see if the cancer spread. I spent 6 days in the hospital and each day was another slow recuperation hell.

The first memory, I remember from the surgery was waking up crying in a recovery suite, I was crying for my parents, I needed them more than ever. I felt broken.

As soon as I saw them enter the suite, I'll never forget the looks on their face. I cried even harder, and my parents looked terrified for my well being. I thought the looks on their face was because of what I just went through, but turns out I was wrong.

5 days passed as I pumped my body full of morphine, by day three I had memorized how long I had to wait until I could press the red button for more drugs to release the constant burn of pain.

By the end of my stay I was able to walk, take a shower, shave, just do the day to day basics. My mom decided it was time to break the news to me of why she looked so sad earlier in the week.

She told me that the cancer had spread to my abdomen and they are not sure if they got it all. My initial reaction to this was to vent, I was so angry that it took my mom 5 days to tell me the news that I kicked her out of my room. By days end I apologized and realized she knew I couldn't handle that news in my weakened state.

The next morning I was released to go back into the 'real world' they put me in a wheel chair and started to drag me to the entrance. I get in the elevator with 6 or so people around me, all in good health, all able to walk out the hospital.

I just cried the whole trip down to the lobby.

I got into the passenger seat of my mom's Jetta, rolled down the window. The fresh air and Carolina blue skies were welcomed sights. As we were pulling out of CMC Main, I started to cry again. I realized this shit wasn't over. For the first time I almost lost hope, I wasn't sure if I could fight this fucking disease anymore.

Gil Scott Heron - Home is where the hatred is.

Karma and Insight

I showed up for work an hour early today so nothing to do but type. Over the past couple of days I have had things to write about, but felt hesitant to let the world know about my thoughts. Maybe the lack of chemo drugs have placed me in a passive mental state.

I found out today that I start going back to doctors next week, I start getting tested again and we will see if I can confirm I am in remission. It's an excited feeling, I've felt passively optimistic for the past 2 months and hopefully after next week I will just feel optimistic.

Julie and I are heading to Jamaica on Thursday, and it's going to be a welcomed trip and a first one of just 'us' since before I was diagnosed with this shitty disease. I hope to come back like Michael Scott with a Conga Drum, and some provocative pictures.

People have been actively sending me links to possible job openings since my post a week ago, I've had offers to get back into media, handling digital assets, music production, and sales. But I think I'm going to research a new direction.

My mom has been a nurse all of my life, and I mentioned to her I was thinking of going back to school to work in the medical field. She insisted I take a look into the nursing field.

I'm a mama's boy, always have been always will be. I take her opinions and thoughts on life serious, and I look at her life now, she seems absolutely happy with the way her life is. 

My dad is also behind me with researching a career in the medical field. 

Damn, I wish I would have written down my thoughts I had so much to say.

Is January the month for friends to get engaged? It's sure starting to look that way. Congratulations to everyone of you.

My hair is coming back, my head looks like a kiwi fruit now. At least it's now starting to keep the cold away from my head.

Back to work for me.

Sia - Breath Me

Unknown Phone #'s

I hate when I get a call from an unknown # and they don't leave a message, it was important enough to call me but not important enough to let me know who it is when I don't pick up? I don't get it and I think this is Time Warner trying to get me to switch back to cable, after throwing a satellite on my house.

I do not pick up numbers that I don't know, I'm not in sales anymore I don't want to be disturbed by "special offers" on the other hand it might be creditors.

I tried to buy my car out last week, and turns out the bills from my insurance are still on my credit report, so my debt to income ratio is pathetic. My mom will be co-signing for me next week. Pathetic I'm 27, and I still need her help. I know it's not my fault, but it's still shitty.

The Patient Advocate Foundation (paf.org) determined that some puts at the hospitals billing office has placed the wrong codes on my bills and in turn, they are not getting paid by BC/BS. Another headache to handle with getting sick.

It's Friday, and I'm ready for the weekend. Even though I'm working most of the weekend, I do not mind. I get the opportunity to be social and make some money. Next Thursday I leave for Jamaica, just Julie and I our first real vacation, just the two of us since before I was diagnosed.

One more step in the right direction of normalcy.

A moment of feeling out of place

Yesterday, Julie and I had people over to watch the games, cook and just catch up with old friends. The first time in a very long time. Little pieces of life are starting to come back together, but a part of me is having trouble adapting to normalcy again. I tried to entertain the best way I knew how with, food, booze, football and some dirty jokes.

But I sit here awake, too early on a day where all I wanted to do was lay in bed and catch up on my DVR. Analyzing or over-analyzing my interactions yesterday, I don't know, I loved being boisterous around friends, because well they are friends and that's what I do. But a part of me feels like I have a second chance at a fresh start, and I wonder if I want to take a more laid back attitude to life?

I'm just feeling out of place this morning, like something is wrong or missing and almost guilty, but I can't pin point why I feel this way.

I'm over-analyzing, I know it.

Trying to find my new calling is a tough up-hill battle, I want to, and feel obligated to have my new career be in a field that can help others. The non-profit is wonderful and exciting, but it's not paying the bills and every day I feel more compelled to research jobs in the medical field.

I'm not the brightest man out there, so medical school is out of the question, but nursing? Maybe medical technician? Shit I just don't know.

This point in my life, I just feel a calling to help others.

Suggestions?

"Only after disaster can we be resurrected"

I felt like my previous entry should have been my last, a good warm hearted way to wrap up a story.

I've recently become social again, and have heard how people have reacted to my blog I've decided to start things back up again. My mind and body are in complete different places than when I was going through treatment, but I feel obligated to continue.

My motivation stems from a dear friend of mine, I searched out her blog a few nights back and realized she used my story to motivate her to write, I believe a 15,000 word challenge. Plus I feel this adventure isn't at completion yet.

Sitting in bed @ 3:54am, I knew I couldn't sleep tonight. Too much shit running around in this big ole' brain of mine. Things like my treatments/surgeries, the now permeant heroin vein in my left forearm, the scars of battle, my insides were the soldiers fighting and my body was it's now scared battlefield.

It just made me think of things, I'm 27, settling down dramatically and life has been changing since 2008. Friends aren't growing distant, just we get together lesser and do things more (late 20's like) This brings me to For Your Cure.

I know why I get excited for our board meetings, because I get to see many of my best friends all in the same place @ the same time. Granted we're not @ Gin Mill (most of the time) and not lip singing Weezer or 80's songs. But we're getting something done, for the good.

I used that quote from Fight Club "Only after disaster can we be resurrected" because it was something that stuck with me during one of my darkest days fighting this fight, and I think many readers understood that quote to be the closest form how I was during that moment in life.

I truly thank everyone for all of the support, still to this day it is recognized everywhere.

I hope this blog can kick off a rejuvenation of some sorts to Fuck You Cancer, I still have tons of things running through my head that I didn't get out earlier. My mind has been off all drugs for nearly 2 months now, and it's starting to get clear again. Julie tells me stories of things I did, or said that I have no or very little recognition of them, and some of them are quite funny.

Till next time folks'